Monday, August 1, 2011

The Trashelorette: The "Winner" Is ...

Tonight's the night ... the "unforgettable season finale" of "The Bachelorette," when we find out which poor schmuck "wins" the annual whoring festival that is "The Bachelorette" and gets the dubious prize of marrying Ashley.

Ashley says she's closer to her "happy ending I've always dreamed of." She talks about both remaining guys - Cupcake (JP) and Wino (Ben) - but it's mostly the same shit she's been blathering on about all season. Her mouth is moving, but all I hear is "wah-wah-wah-wah-wah," a la the adults on "Charlie Brown" specials. It's not even just because I find Ashley rather obnoxious, but rather because she keeps saying the same things about the two guys. She has a burning passion for Cupcake, but likes having fun with Wino because he's like her best friend.

Tonight, Ashley got to introduce the guys to her family - her mom, step-dad, sister and brother - and then she also went on a date with each of them. She's really excited and nervous about introducing the guys to her family because their opinions really matter to her!

First up to meet the family ... Cupcake! They sat outside in Fiji, which was a terrible choice because everybody was incredibly, disgustingly sweaty. Ashley's mother almost immediately toasts the happy couple and says, "You're welcome in our family!" Ashley gushes about how everybody in her family accepts Cupcake ... except for one. Her tattooed, outspoken and completely awesome sister, Crystie. "I'm not seeing it," she tells Ashley when Ashley asks her for advice. "I think you might be too much for him." Cue Ashley's heart breaking, because clearly the sane thing to do when you ask someone for their opinion is sob when they don't immediately agree with you. Ashley complains, in turn, to her mother, brother and stepfather about Chrystie. Meanwhile, Chrystie asked Cupcake about his intentions toward Ashley and tells him that she saw more of a connection when Ashley brought Brad home on "The Bachelor." "She doesn't even know me!" Cupcake complains. "Have I come so far, only to have something like this threaten to blow it up?" Cupcake also muses about how, exactly, Ashley feels about him ... especially because Wino is still waiting in the wings. "I'm in love with Ashley and nothing can change that, but I don't want to be with somebody who's not sure she wants to be with me."

Ashley then has a conversation with her sister in which the claws come out. Crystie explains to Ashley that she's coming from a rational place vs. just a gut feeling ... which makes sense considering, as Crystie explains, Ashley also had a gut feeling that Brad was the one and he wasn't. "You want me to like him, and that's your issue," Crystie says. "You're being such a bitch!" Ashley cries. "I want you to be honest!" Liar! I am pretty sure that Crystie thinks that this reality dating show/whorefest is stupid.

Then Wino meets the family. Crystie and Wino talk about when Wino finally knew he loved Ashley, which was on the last date. Wino also explains that he feels like their relationship is not forced, and that their at the right ages and stages to be getting engaged - a "natural progression." "I think my family loves Ben," Ashley says, but she still keeps thinking about what she has with Cupcake. "I think it could last a lifetime."

Wino and Ashley take a helicopter ride over Fiji, then have a "healing mud bath," which involves the pair getting into a mud pit and smearing mud all over each other. "Mud becomes very sexy," they both say. (Kel's quote: "Ewwww dot com!") They get all cleaned up and have a romantic talk in Ashley's hotel room, where Wino says that she's taken his breath away (thanks for that phrase by the way, since I'm singing that stupid "Top Gun" song). Wino tells Ashley he loves her and they share a kiss. "So romantic," Ashley sighs. "I feel that love."

The next day, it's time for Cupcake's date. Cupcake has lots of questions, and Ashley wants to see if she can see her life with Cupcake. They hang out on the beach together, where Cupcake tells Ashley he loves her. then gives her a book with their "first chapter" of their life together written down. "I was so touched," Ashley gushes. "I was like, 'Is this real?'" Kel watched that part and said she thought Cupcake sounded very "faux sweet ... like romantic comedy sweet. He is trying way too hard." She is not wrong.

Then, finally, it's the day we've all been waiting for ... the day that Ashley decides which guy she's going to marry. "This is going to be a very bittersweet day," she says. The guys both pick out rings, during which the guys play right into the established narrative, when Wino tells the skeezy ring dealer that their process has been "natural" and that they're "friends, first and foremost." Cupcake, meanwhile, talks about how they have passion and stuff.

Ashley appears on the beach in a fugly mermaid dress featuring feathers on the bottom AND lots of sparkles. "What the fuck is Ashley wearing?" Kel asked me. Good question. Her fashion sense leaves a lot to be desired.

Ben is completely confident that he's in a fairy tale and that he and Ashley are meant to be. He gets there in the plane, gets in front of Ashley and goes down on one knee. BUT NO. DENIED. Ashley tells him that he's not the one and Wino gets, understandably, angry. Ashley says that she wants them to end on good terms, and Wino snaps back, "You can't leave something like this on good terms. It's not possible." He climbs onto the boat of shame and rejection and admits that if he really knew how she felt, he wouldn't have proposed. "Man that ... was a shock," he says. "I don't know what the fuck just happened."

Cupcake passes over the boat of shame and rejection in the plane and, after landing, faces Ashley. He says he's afraid of getting his heart broken again, but says he's going to take that leap of faith. He proposes and, when she accepts, slips the most ugly, gaudy, vulgar diamond ring ever on her finger. The music (REO Speedwagon singing "Can't Fight This Feeling") swells as they show a montage of the good times between Ashley and Cupcake. "Will you accept this last and final rose?" Ashley asks. "Have you gone to the school of redundancy school?" Kel asks.

Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I also watched the After The Final Rose hour (well, more like 40 minutes, since there was about 15 minutes of "Take the Money and Run" preview in there) ...

First, they showed Wino his rejection YET AGAIN, even though we'd seen it no more than 10 minutes before. Salt, meet wound. "Bask in your pain, Ben," Kel said. "Or celebrate your dodged bullet." Apparently Wino's depression has manifested itself as terrible hair - it's straighter with a center part and looks stringy and nasty. Then, because the producers like to torture people, they bring Ashley out to talk to Wino. Ashley says that she was surprised by Wino's anger when she callously rejected him on national television. "Breaking someone's heart makes them angry? No way!" Kel said.

Then, they bring Cupcake on, wearing a linen suit and slip-on shoes with no socks. NOT OK! He looks like an uber-douche. Thankfully, Chris Harrison's pinstripe suit and purple skinny tie makes up for the severe lack of fashion by Wino and Cupcake.

Anyway, Ashley and Cupcake both gush for a while about their relationship and how happy they are that they can be together in public now. They show Cupcake's proposal again, and Kel wonders if Ashley is watching going, "My dress is fucking ugly, what was I thinking?" Considering that she's wearing a sparkly brown miniskirt, I seriously doubt it.

Crystie apologizes to Cupcake for doubting their love, but Kel and I are pretty sure she's acting.

In future plans, Ashley is finishing school, then she'll move to New York and move in with Cupcake. This seems like it could be a bad plan - they actually don't know each other very well. Kel thinks they'll be broken up by Christmas; I'm giving them until April. The wedding isn't set in stone yet, but they look forward to their life together.

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to "Bachelor Pad" next week. It has to be better than "The Bachelorette," right? RIGHT?

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