Monday, August 22, 2011

Bachelor Pad: Synchronized Craziness

Kel ditched Bachelor Pad last week partway through and, really, who could blame her. Last week was lame-o. But instead of giving up completely, she is back this week for a more interesting, amusing, drama-filled and Speedo-laden episode.

We start right after the rose ceremony from last week. Blake and Melissa fight, apparently still over Blake and Holly hanging out. Melissa is majorly crazy! And Blake is a major douche. We definitely like that Melissa is calling out Blake on all his shit. Work it, crazy eyes! Blake is trying to convince Melissa that he isn't playing her. Melissa may be crazy, but she isn't wrong. Deal with it, douchebag.

Time for another rose challenge, and there are two roses up for grabs today - one for guys and one for girls. Blake needs the rose because Melissa is pissed at him. Jake needs to win because everyone is still pissed at him (and by everyone, we mean Vienna).

The challenge is synchronized swimming! The girls are excited. The boys are not. But we are. Oh yes, we are. Michael is either excited or fake excited. Either way, awesome! They will be judged based on skill, technique, and showmanship. The teams are gender divided. This is officially Kel's favorite challenge ever in the history of everything. Jen has to agree.

The practices are a hot mess. The girls are very "over it" and don't really take the challenge seriously. They seem to think that the guys are naturally going to screw it up because they're guys. The guys are taking nothing for granted - they work hard and put everything into it. And then, they take everything off ... except Speedos! Work it, boys! They may be dumb, as evidenced by the fact that they're on "Bachelor Pad" in the first place, but they sure are hot.

The judges are a synchronized swimmer and the Bachelor Pad winners from last season. We don't know who we are, so we don't care. And the swimmer is the only one who actually judges - the Bachelor Pad winners are just there for eye candy. Or something.

The girls were a hot honeyed mess. Michelle and Vienna stood out apparently. Erica really stood out to us, though, because she just flailed around in the pool doing nothing that remotely resembled their routine. Kel pointed out, probably correctly, that this is how Jen would look if she tried to do synchronized swimming.

Then it was the boys' turn, and they boys worked it! They really hammed it up and loved it and were silly, yet worked hard on their routine. Michael and Jake stood out.

The winner for the guys is Michael! We wished it would have been Jake, but Michael is alright because he's just so darn sweet. The winner for the girls is Michelle. And Vienna is pissed - she feels robbed! Cry me a river, Vienna!

The dates are the same as last week. Each winner gets to pick three people and give out one rose.

And now, an actual conversation between Jen and Kel:
Kel: Who the fuck is Graham? Has he been on previous episodes?
Jen: I don't remember him. I think they add people on this show just to fuck with us.

Yeah, that just happened. (Sorry for the cursing, mom!)

Anyway...back on to the drama!

Erica and Jake are hooking up! Not in the sleeping with each other way, but in the scheming way. They shall forever be known as Team Skeezy! We love it! Erica is crazypants, but in such a fun way! But Erica is in with the mob. And now Kasey thinks that Vienna is being too nice to Jake. Oooo - cracks are forming, as evidenced by Kasey and Vienna fighting! Apparently what is happening is that Vienna is not an uber bitch to Jake 24/7, which is making Kasey think that everyone is going to not vote Jake out. But Vienna claims that she does want Jake out. So, Kasey calls Vienna stupid and a fame whore (well, if the shoe fits ...), and claims that she doesn't want to be in the house. He also calls her out for trying to garner fake sympathy, and ... you know what? We don't even know anymore and, apparently, neither does the cameraman because they keep showing shots of a marker and Vienna's tits. Part of the confusion might be that Kasey doesn't move his mouth when he talks.

Date time, with Michelle; she takes Graham the new guy, Kasey and Blake. What an odd combo of people! They go to a vineyard to, naturally, drink wine. Blake is trying to spin that Melissa is crazy, but Michelle is on to him. She is friends with Melissa and is trying to crack Blake. And she brought Graham because she wants to mack on him. But she isn't sure if he likes her. We didn't listen to their conversation because, yawn, but then they started kissing! And Graham got the rose. Shocker!

Michael's date is with Vienna, Ella and Holly, who doesn't really want to go.

Jen and Kel conversation part 2:
Jen: Is there an Ellen on this show? Oh. Is there an Ella on this show?
Kel: I think they added her when they added Graham.

Michael and Holly, who, if you remember, used to be engaged, are not on the same page, even though Michael thinks they are. *cough*awkward*cough* The date involves riding horses, which is cool so, naturally, Vienna bitches - first about having to wear a helmet, then about the horses being in the sun, and then the smell. What a fun person.

Cut to the house, and Blake has completely missed the point of what Michelle told him. He is now trying to make up with Melissa by pretending that he didn't mean to be a douche. Gah! We fucking hate Blake. Suck it, dude.

Back to the date of awkwardness. Kel feels bad for Micheal because she feels like he is a genuinely nice guy. Again, he is too sweet to mock. Which makes his conversation with Holly super boring for her to blog. And Jen didn't pay attention because, yawn.

Back at the Trashy Ranch, the boys are trying to do strategy. It's cute when they try to think like the big kids! It would be fun to see these assclowns on "Survivor."

Erica decides to team up with Jake. They are both playing each other! Erica is using Jake to win. Jake is using Erica to win. So it's OK!

Back to Michael. He cuts the girls who aren't Holly loose, and then Bret Michaels shows up! Michael does a dorky little dance that he was probably very ashamed to see on TV tonight. Bret Michaels is so fun. He really knows who he is and knows that he's a dork. I like it. And OMG! He sings "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" and that song is, like, totally about their relationship.

Back to drama at the house! It is Kasey/Vienna's 6 month anniversary. Kasey got Vienna a ring, and her response is "I don't want it to be an engagement ring." Which, it isn't. It is a promise ring. But now Kasey is questioning how much Vienna likes him. Kasey is singing, which made my poor sweet coworker throw up in her mouth. An appropriate reaction, as his singing is the worst thing I've heard in years.

Erica tries to sway people to save herself and get rid of Melissa and Kasey. She spies on Jake and Melissa to find out information. Which is awesome. Erica promptly turns everybody against Melissa. Princess is not as stupid as she looks.

Melissa scrambles to not get voted out, but Erica is spying again! She half-walks, half-crawls to the couch where Melissa is sitting, talking to some guy, and squats behind it, basically in plain sight. It's one of the best things in the history of television. Melissa freaks out, and Erica totally orchestrated that entire thing. She is like the Russell Hantz of "Bachelor Pad." The good thing about Melissa freaking out for Blake is that now he doesn't seem like as much as a douche. Except he is.

Now, the only person Melissa trusts is Jake, because Jake is nice to her. However, mostly he is just nice to her to get her to stay through the vote to try to get Kasey out - but at least he is telling her up front that he wants her to stay to vote for Kasey.

This week, no women are leaving "Bachelor Pad." But everyone is voting off a guy. What a twist.

Basically, it is going to come down to Jake or Kasey going home. Jake and Erica scheme, and we cement our allegiance to Team Skeezy. Erica tries to solve the Melissa/Blake drama in payment for Blake voting out Kasey.

In addition to the fact that Kasey is an obnoxious ass, we also want Kasey to go home because it will piss Vienna off more than anything else. Everyone freaks out, and Kasey scrambles and is freaking out that "friends" are stabbing him in the back. Like Erica. Who is carrying around a gavel. We love you, Erica. Jake and Kasey also talk, which is awkward. Kasey still wants to punch Jake. Jen wants to kick Kasey in the balls. William (Captain America from last season) also shows up in the mix, which confuses the heck out of Kel because she didn't remember that he was still on the show because they haven't shown him in weeks. Did he reappear when Graham and Ella showed up?

The guys safe are Michael (won the challenge), Graham (got the date rose), Kirk, William, Blake, and.....*drum roll* Kasey!

Aaaaaaand ... Black. Cue Kel and Jen pouting. We hope Jake stirs much shit up when he leaves.

Quotables of the Night:

"Apparently he has alligator blood."--Kasey, a fountain of WTFery

"The closest thing I've done to synchronized swimming is laying out by the pool."--Erica

"I am so much better than all the other girls."--Vienna, showing her true colors

"Jake could win this competition alone on the fact that he has such a big package."--Erica, understanding the true point of the swimming competition

"I would like to apologize for what we just did to your sport."--Chris Harrison, to the synchronized swimming woman.

"This is ridiculous."--Kasey, taking the words right out of Kel's mouth.

"I can't trust Melissa any farther than I can throw her. And even though she's really tiny, that isn't very far."--Erica

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