Monday, August 29, 2011

Bachelor Pad: Kiss and Tell

It's that time of the week again ... the time when you start to wonder whether you can get herpes just from watching TV. I hope not, because if you could, I would certainly be infected after watching "Bachelor Pad."

It's just me, Jen, recapping the show this week. I'm sure Kel would have joined me, but she is wending her way through New England, trying to avoid flooding in order to get home. I'm sure she'll be sad she missed this delightful dramafest!

Last week, we ended the rose ceremony with Chris Harrison saying that Kasey was still in the game, which meant Jake was out! I was sure that the fact that they didn't show his "goodbye" was because he and Kasey got into a huge fight or something, but the truth was actually much, MUCH less exciting. Jake just told the remaining Pad People, "Although we had a chance to do something really big tonight ... it just didn't happen. I think you're sending the wrong guy home." He urged them to "do the right thing" and take out the power couples. And told Kasey it was "amazing meeting you" and said, "Vienna, my apologies."

In the limo ride back to the clean world, Jake said that his main reason for doing "Bachelor Pad" was to confront Vienna and move on, which he accomplished - though he would have liked the quarter of a million bucks. Still, he said, "The last time I left in a limousine, I was heartbroken. This time, I'm just kinda glad to be out of that fucking crazyhouse." Bye-bye Jake ... we'll miss you!

Now for the competition! Tonight was the super exciting second annual "Bachelor Pad Kissing Contest!"

Michelle sits out because she has just SO MANY MORALS YOU GUYS! But everyone else is game. Blake is especially pumped about kissing Holly, and says, "I'm going to do a tonsillectomy today. The doctor is in." Ummm, gross.

Holly is the first one to get kissed by all the guys. She says all the guys kiss "like grandmas" until she gets to Blake, who really goes after it. Michael is not thrilled, of course, because Holly is his ex-fiance and he wants them to get back together. Blake really goes for the kissing, except for when he gets to Vienna because Kasey is scary.

The girls are much more gung-ho about kissing the guys. Erica actually looks like she might devour their faces. The girls also don't kiss Michael much because of Holly. But, Holly kisses Blake a lot!

All I know after watching the kissing contest is that I hope all the "Bachelor Pad" contestants are tested for STDs, or there's going to be a raging case of mouth herpes going around.

Overwhelmingly, Ella and Blake win the contest and they both get roses. They also get to go on a romantic one-on-one date this week with a rose up for grabs.

Ella gets the first date card, and it says, "Your future is up in the air." She picks Kirk to go with her, and when they step outside, there is a hot, red, convertible Ferrari in the driveway. William is jealous: "If I could go back, I'd do the kissing competition way differently. I'd be the biggest manwhore." They go have a romantic meal and talk for a while about how Ella's mom was shot by Ella's stepdad when she was a kid and how she wants to start an organization. Ella gives Kirk the rose, and they go for a super romantic hot air balloon ride in the dark.

Back in the house, Melissa says she feels secure that she will go on the date and get the rose from Blake because they've been together since day one. But she hasn't completely realized that Blake is totally playing her and is a skeezy douchenozzle. After Blake shakes off Melissa, Erica pounces. She gives Blake a massage while trying to convince him to take HER on the date. Crafty.

Blake's date card arrives, and it says, "Love the slippery slope." He chooses Holly to take on the date. And then ... the house explodes. Not really. But Holly is surprised, Erica looks slightly sad, and Melissa storms out of the room and sobs. "I would rather be alone than feel pain like that!" she says. She calls Blake a sociopath and promises to trash his reputation. "Blake's been using me!" she cries. Ding ding ding! She finally figured it out, ladies and gentlemen! The girls decide that Holly was in on the plan all along (I don't think she was). Melissa continues to rage and storm and tries to get Holly to not go on the date. Holly insists she just wants to get out of the house. (She is dumb enough not to get why Melissa wants her to refuse, I think.) Meanwhile, Michael starts brooding about the fact that Holly is going on a date with Blake. "There is a large part of me that wants to rip his face off," he says. Finally, Blake and Holly leave for their date. "If looks could kill, I think both of them would have been shot in the back of the head," Ella observes.

Blake and Holly climb into a limo, which sweeps them off to the airport, where the board a private jet to a ski resort. Holly is a little worried because she can't ski, and she kind of should be - she falls down a lot and looks like a complete goober on national TV. Poor Holly ... I feel for her because I've never skiied either! Despite her lack of skiing skill, Holly has a ton of fun, especially when she and Blake wrestle in the snow. She discovers she hasn't really thought about Michael at all, and she is confused about how she feels. They have dinner by a bonfire in the mountains, and Holly gets the rose. Then, they decide to stay all night together at the ski resort, where they "make out."

Michael really misses Holly. He looks into the fire and broods all night.

The next morning, Michael is still really upset, and Holly is super confused about whether she wants to be with Michael, because she liked kissing Blake. Holly tells Vienna that she still hurts because she was deeply in love with Michael, but Michael walked away from their relationship. "I don't know if that can be fixed," she says.

Chris Harrison announces that we're back to normal voting procedures ... girls vote for guys, guys vote for girls and one of each gender is leaving. The strategy begins, and once again I realize that this definitely isn't "Survivor." Everybody kind of talks about voting off Kasey and Vienna, but they start to work their voodoo magic and people are also talking about voting off William (because he's duller than dishwater) and Melissa (because she's getting super annoying). Melissa goes crazy trying to save herself, to the point where she asks Kasey about 5 times whether he voted for her; William sits back and does nothing.

Let's just cut straight to the chase - neither strategy works. William and Melissa are gone. William says he thinks they saw him as the "easy guy out" because he didn't fight and didn't have a partner, and he is completely right. He cries in the limo. Melissa ugly-cries in the limo.

The real question now is ... when will they wise up and vote out Kasey and Vienna already!? They are getting on my nerves, yo!

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