Monday, August 15, 2011

Bachelor Pad: A Whole Lotta Boring Going On

For having such a stellar premiere, the second episode of "Bachelor Pad" was just plain boring. Oh sure, it had its moments of wonderfulness, but most of it? Lame-o! So lame-o, in fact, Kel ditched me a little over halfway through. And I ditched myself at about the same time, because I just couldn't concentrate anymore.

At the beginning, we dove straight into the competition. The guys were blindfolded with their backs toward the "ladies," (not sure that's the term I'd use for many of them ...) and one by one they came out and threw paint-filled eggs at the guys in answer to questions. When they hit the guy, they get a point. Then, they switch. The guy and girl with the most points each get to pick three people to go on a date with them and they get to give a rose to one of the people on the date.

The questions are really rather mean. The girls are asked, "Who are you least attracted to?," "Who do you feel least deserves the $250,000?" and "Who do you want to see go home this week?" They almost all hit Jake for this question, which I'm sure was making the producers nervous, considering what they did later in the show. Jake was hurt by the fact that everyone wants him to go home. "Where did I go wrong?" he asked. Umm, probably when you agreed to be on "The Bachelor" and its related shows. "It hurts. It really does. In this group, they don't really know me, they just know what they read in the tabloids." Melissa and Jackie tie, and when Jackie misses on the question, "Who is the dumbest?" Melissa wins immunity.

Then it's the guys' turn. The questions are: "Which of these women is most likely to cheat on you if dating?" (Jake hits Vienna), "Who do you want to go home this week?" (Jake hits Vienna again); and "Who are you least attracted to?" Melissa admits that it's "nerve-wracking" to find out who is going to get hit on that question, and the loser is Erica. Michael hits her hard, and Jake misses his shot (presumably at Vienna, but who knows!), so Michael wins. Kel thinks that it's overly mean to make them choose who the least attractive person is, "especially when they are all so mentally unstable." She is right.

Michael's date card says, "Are you afraid of the dark?" but sadly the date has nothing to do with the classic Nickelodeon show. Michael, with Erica, Michelle and his ex-fiance Holly in tow, go off to an abandoned hospital/insane asylum for their date and, let's face it, that's a freaking great date. "They were scared out of their minds and, guess what?, so was I," Michael says. Michelle called it the "most horrifying date I've ever been on." There was lots of screaming during this date (but not in the sexy way!). Then, Michael talks to Holly about their relationship, and he just seems too sweet to mock so neither Kel nor I pay attention. If we're not mocking you, you are unworthy of our time, "Bachelor Pad" contestants!

Melissa gets her date card, which says, "Chart a course for romance." It should have said, "Chart a course for Boringsville." Melissa picks Kirk, Kasey and Blake, and Jake is sad because he really needs to get immunity. Melissa, Kirk, Kasey and Blake go out on a yacht and swim in the ocean, which is incredibly dull. Give me ghost-hunting any day!

Meanwhile, Jake broods for a while as Vienna campaigns to get him off. She tells everyone, "Things he said to me are unforgivable."

Blake makes out with Melissa on the boat and admits he's whoring himself out to keep her happy and keep himself in the game. But since he's being rather deceitful and assy and Bentley-ish, he gets a major black mark in our book. But his douchey ruse worked, because Melissa gives him the rose.

Jake talks to Kasey and Vienna in front of several other contestants. He tells Kasey and Vienna that he is going to donate the money if he wins, but they just keep beating up on him and being total jerks to him. This strategy starts to backfire, though, because everyone starts to think that Kasey is being an uber-jerk.

Chris Harrison shows up with a "Hey hey hey hey!" They tell him that the vibe in the house is "awkward," and Vienna pisses and moans for a while, prompting Chris to tell her, "If you're unhappy, I'll call a cab for you."

Then, Chris drops a bombshell: The producers want to make sure that Jake is on the show for another week, so they will be sending home two women and no men! OK, he didn't say it in so many words, but duh. Vienna is angry that she's going to have to spend more time in Jake's vicinity (Jake seems to be his normal, dopey-happy self), and Kasey tells them that they can go home. But Vienna won't: "Kasey's here holding me and keeping me strong."

Meanwhile, some drama happens and the next time I look at the TV, Gia is super upset because everybody is mean and manipulative on "Bachelor Pad." No shit, Sherlock. So ... she quits. Good on her!

They all vote, and it seems as though Ella or Jackie, who has been getting quite close to Ames. When all is said and done (which takes way too long) ... it's Jackie that's out. She says her goodbyes to Ames, who says that he fell in love with Jackie "in a way I've never done before." I was in the middle of an eyeroll ... when Ames decides to get in the limo and leave the show with Jackie! It's twue wove! "This is the happiest limo ride in Bachelor history."

I just hope that it was the most boring show in Bachelor history, or we won't be able to watch this show for long. Seriously. All I can say is, I hope next week is better!

A few great quotes to leave you with:
"I grunted, but in a man way." - Michael
"As long as it doesn't get in my hair!" - Erica
"Just a mouse? Not even a haunted mouse?" - Michael
"We're having a yacht of fun!" - Kasey, master of puns

Also, just FYI, Kel is hardcore shipping Kirk/Kasey. That would be a great twist, wouldn't it?

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