Monday, August 8, 2011

Bachelor Pad: A Glorious Three Hours of Trash

Ah, "Bachelor Pad." A show that allows losers from "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" a chance at love, a quarter of a million dollars and a raging case of herpes.

Seriously, though, Kel and I have been looking forward to this pile of reality TV doo-doo since we figured out it was like a mix of "The Bachelor" and "Survivor," with the contestants voting each other out of the mansion. We couldn't resist. And so, Monday night contained a glorious three hours of a reality TV cesspool that made us feel delightfully dirty.

First things first ... we had to figure out who was who. It's not easy, considering that the contestants have virtually no distinguishing characteristics aside from hair color. There is no diversity, and everybody is vapid and shallow and incredibly stupid. So, OK, we're not going to worry about everybody. There are 18 famewhores on this show, and we can't possibly keep them straight. The drama center of the house, though, is going to be Jake and Vienna, who got engaged on "The Bachelor," then had a very nasty, very public breakup. Kel explains the drama:
"Jake was a bachelor, he picked Vienna, then they broke up.
Gia started dating Wes on last bachelor pad, then Wes cheated on her with Vienna. After all that drama, vienna started dating Kasey.
I feel sad for my life choices that I know all of that."

Gia and Kasey are also on this season.

There are several other ex-couples and notable on this season, too, including:
Justin "The Wrestler," from Alli's season, who had a girlfriend while he was on the show.
Holly and Michael, who were engaged until Holly panicked and broke it off.
Blake, aka Listerine from last season, who seems to have picked up a douche-virus while they were off traveling the world with Ashley.
Ames, who Kel and I will be rooting for because he's adorable and might actually have a brain.

The people all greet each other, and the ex-couples greetings are the most wonderfully awkward thing I've seen on TV since Richard Hatch showed off his dangly bits on "Survivor." They seriously talk about the weather.

Alright, so anyway, here's how Bachelor Pad runs: They couple up and do a challenge. The couple that wins the challenge gets to go on a date. They're safe from elimination. Then everybody votes - girls vote off guys, guys vote off girls. In confessional, Kasey says of Jake, "It is my plan to get him off," which made Kel giggle a lot because she has a dirty mind.

The challenge is called "Hook Up." The guys are in a harness and the girls have to hang off them, and the last couple hanging wins. The fact that the guys practically mount the girls AND the producers chose porny music for this scene means this challenge is exceedingly dirty. The teams are: Kasey/Vienna, Blake/Melissa, Michael/Holly, Kirk/Erica, Ames/Michelle, Jack/Jackie, William/Gia, Justin/Ella and Graham/Alli. "What if somebody here gets an erection?" one of the guys ask. Classy.

Kel describes the action: "The first couple to drop is William/Gia. Captain, my Captain totally gave up. But he has fun shorts on! And now Holly has given up. Graham totally drops Alli, Melissa drops, Kirk gives in, Michelle drops but not without really trying to save it. Ella loses it. 'It was worse than childbirth!' she says. Down to Vienna vs. Jake! I so didn't see that shit coming! And Kasey drops Vienna! Jake has immunity! He held on by pretending to be holding Jackie over a huge cliff. So Jake is automatically in for another week and we get the added benefit of Vienna and Kasey being pissy. Awesomesauce!"

After the challenge, Vienna bitches at Kasey for not winning, even though they beat everyone except one team. Dick move! After she's FINALLY done berating Kasey for being a loser, they decide to work on a strategy. Team Vienna is Michelle, Vienna, Holly, Erica, Alli, Kirk, Kasey, Michael and Graham, and they are trying to vote Justin off. So then, Justin tries to make a deal with Team Vienna. Then, he turns around and tells Team Jake everything. They are all surprised that Justin is playing both sides. It's like watching "Survivor," but with really stupid people.

Jake and Jackie, meanwhile, go on their date to Hollywood. They make a third-grade girl cry, but only because she was so excited to meet Jake. Kel recaps: "And they are super nice to her. So, he totally isn't the devil! This date is nice and subtle, one might say understated. Not showy at all. They are having dinner on top of the "El Capitan" marquee. And Jake opens up about his breakup." Jake tells Jackie that Vienna sold their breakup story to a tabloid for tens of thousands of dollars before she broke up with Jake, then just left their apartment. If this is even remotely true, Vienna is a psycho bitch. Then, the talk turns to strategy. They toy with giving it to Vienna, or giving it to someone who isn't in danger at all. When they get back to the house, Jackie wusses out and makes Jake decide, but this is really quite a smart move, because then the heat goes back to Jake. More strategery happens. Kelly explains, "Jake thinks it is a good idea to discuss strategy with Justin. And dammit, Justin makes sense that it would be a terrible idea to give it to Vienna. However, I think it would be amazeballs for him to give the rose to Vienna. It is like with bullies, the best strategy is to be nice to them to throw them off. Gia is hurt that Jake is contemplating Vienna. "

They end up giving the rose to ... Vienna, much to the delight of The Pop Tarts. Operation Mindfuck is a go! Gia cries. Vienna is uber-pissed. Jake wants to have a conversation, and he apologizes for how he acted when they had their break-up special on TV. He's either a great actor or he's sincere. The apology pisses Vienna off more than if Jake yelled at her. Vienna then goes off to sleep naked with Kasey (in a house full of other people? GROSS!). We know this because they show creepy security camera-type footage. Blech.

Kel, since she is a student of all things strategy, explains the strategery going on: "Gia is a fighter! And she is going to try to make a deal with Kasey to stay around. I like seeing someone fight to not leave a stupid show. Gia and Kasey are now forming an alliance. I'm guessing she is going to screw him over by the end of the show. Ah, when did William get sucked into Team Vienna? And someone just told Alli that she was probably going home. WTF people? Don't tell people your plan! That gives them time to try to block that shit! Vienna is trying to get Gia out. Kasey is supposedly allied with Gia. It all comes down to Kasey! And he wants to save Gia, but Vienna doesn't want him to. Oh, the drama!

Justin tried to play both sides. And magically everyone knows about it. And want to vote him out because of it. And now he is trying to spin it that he isn't really playing both sides. Listerine is working hard to try to get Kasey off. I am a fan of this plan, not because I don't like Kasey, but because it is the scenario that will most piss off Vienna. "

Then it's rose ceremony time, which is good because The Pop Tarts were getting a little punchy and declaring how much we enjoyed this show, which is ridiculous because Bachelor Pad is a TERRIBLE show! Also, all the girls were wearing really fug dresses. Safe are: Ames, Erica, Blake, Holly, William, Michelle, Kirk, Ella, Michael, Melissa and Graham. It's down between Kasey and Justin and Gia and Alli. Aaaaand ... Alli and Justin are out. Neither screwed the other over, which sucks. But Justin goes out swinging - he even steals Jake's rose!

Quotes of the Night:
"Vienna's really been around the Bachelor Block"--Erica
"This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever did"--Gia
"He uses really big words which is pretty attractive"--Holly, in reference to Blake, after he says "dysfunctional"
"Know what happens when you have one too many? Erica becomes your partner"--Kirk
"You hooked up the longest."--Chris Harrison, definitely a fan of the single entendre.
"Kasey needs to realize that he isn't here for himself. He is here for me."--Vienna, she is totally a manipulator. Female Bentley much?
"You are the pilot, you work well under pressure."--Jackie
"Wow. That rose is like super important."--Justin
"They showed up in an elephant at the door" (in reference to the Trojans), "You never win without the queen"--Gia.
"I'm a Jedi genius master"--Kasey

Kel recaps the rest of the season tease: "This season on Bachelor Pad: We are trying to find love (they can find love, if by love they mean herpes)! And there will be fantasy suites! And we are anti-Blake. Or pro-Blake. There seems to be lots about Blake. Tears! so many tears! Mostly about Blake. And there are couples! So many couples. Couples that will not last the season. And Vienna whining. And Kasey calling Vienna a fame-whore! What Up! Vienna is totally going to screw over Kasey. I literally cannot wait!"

And finally, the tag at the end made The Pop Tarts' entire day ... featuring the return of Batman from last season! Words cannot describe. Go watch it if you missed it.

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