Monday, June 20, 2011

The Trashelorette: Ashley's Still A Moron

OK, after watching yet another two-hour epic episode of "The Bachelorette," I have to say it. Ashley is a completely idiot. Not only is she still completely stuck on Mr. Douchehat, but she also comes up with a group date idea that makes the ill-fated roast look like a fun day on the beach.

The Trashelorette and her entourage of lovesick puppies are once again "flying all around the world for love," as Sunshine (Ryan) put it. This time, they're off to the north of Thailand, to Chiang Mai. There are only 11 guys left ... and only one gets the "prize" of being Ashley's husband. After tonight, I'm positive this is not much of a prize.

Tonight, there will be a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date, aka The Thunderdome Date. You know - two men enter, one man leaves. How awkward! Does anybody really think this is a good way to find a mate? Ashley is excited because she wants to have her "new beginning" after Shitface Douchebag.

Anyway, first up is the one-on-one date with Ashley and Wino (Ben F.). Ashley explains that she picked Wino because she sees mutual attraction but it "hasn't been focused," and she's not sure that he's ready to allow somebody into his life. Wino says he's working on wooing Ashley with "slow, gradual steps" to build on a foundation on love.

The date is quite possibly the most boring things I've ever watched, and that's saying something, considering how many boring movies I've watched. (Three words: "Monster A GoGo." Not even Mystery Science Theater 3000 could save that pile of cinematic shit.) Anyway, they go on a rickshaw thing to the market because Ashley wants to balance new experiences with normal things. They make googly eyes at each other while shopping, painting parasols and sitting by ancient ruins. They want to kiss, but they just can't, dammit!, because they're at the temple and it's sacrilegious. They "mental kiss" instead, which is just awkward. They have a romantic outdoor dinner and she giggles like an imbecile when she reveals it to him. They discuss that Wino is not emotionally available because he misses his dad, who died 4 1/2 years ago, which is weird, right? I would miss my mom or dad if they died, but to have it hinder your dating life for almost five years? That screams, "I NEED A FULL MENTAL HEALTH EVALUATION!" They blather on for a while and then kiss amid a bunch of fire dancers. They say "passion." I say "zzzzz."

Now, it's time for the group date. The lucky men chosen for the group date are Constantine, Ames, Lucas (Nick), Listerine (Blake), Bland Lucas (Lucas), Sunshine (Ryan), Cupcake (JP) and Chef Mickey (Mickey).

Now, if you were in Thailand with a group of eight guys who you like and want to learn more about, what would you do with them? If you answered, "Have them beat the everloving shit out of each other using the ancient noble art of Muay Thai boxing," then, well, you must be Ashley because nobody in their right mind would think this is a good idea.

First, the guys train on Muay Thai boxing techniques. Muay Thai is basically kickboxing, so in addition to pummeling each other in the head with their fists, they can also kick each other repeatedly. Now, I will give Ashley props for getting the guys shirtless because, yum, but after a few hours of training, they fight each other. Seriously. They are going to hit each other repeatedly in front of Ashley. Caveman much?

First match is Listerine vs. Bland Lucas. "Don't take it too seriously!" Ashley calls as they climb into the ring. Ummm, honey, they're guys. They have testosterone. The majority of them are going to fight, and fight hard. Listerine wins. "I'm beginning to think this date is a bit too dangerous. I don't want anybody to get hurt!" Ashley cries. Well, then, don't force them to get into a boxing ring in Thailand and beat the snot out of each other.

Next up is Cupcake vs. Chef Mickey. Initially Chef Mickey is soundly kicking Cupcake's ass, but Cupcake ends up pulling out a victory. Ashley cringes some more.

Then it's Ames vs. Sunshine, and let's just say that Ames got his ass handed to him on a platter. It's not Ames' fault. He's a lover, not a fighter. His names is Ames, fer cryin' out loud! A guy named Ames doesn't fight! After getting knocked in the head a few times by Sunshine, Ames loses and, clearly, that boy ain't right. His eyes are all glassy and his expression is more vacant than normal, and Ashley is freaking out. Constantine and Lucas fight but nobody gives a flying rat's patooty because Ames clearly has brain damage from his time in the ring. He goes off to a Thai hospital in an ambulance, and Ashley says, "I had no idea it would go this far, especially for Ames." *facepalm*

They have a party that night, but everyone is still worried about Ames. "I had no idea this was going to be such a bloody fight." Yes. You have them engage in a violent boxing match and have no idea it's going to be bloody! Ashley. You are not bright.

Ames finally gets there, but he's still having trouble forming coherent sentences. I hope he doesn't have permanent brain damage because the guys on this show don't have much brain to spare.

Listerine corrals Ashley and tells her he "doesn't trust relationships that are hot out of the gate," which makes Ashley think of Fuckface for the bazillionth time this episode. He also says that he wants reassurance/positive reinforcement because he hasn't spent much time with Ashley. Then Bland Lucas teaches her a golf stance, which made her "pretty turned on." If that's what it takes to turn her on then, well, good for her. Nothing about Bland Lucas is remotely erotic. He's just bland. Ashley also says she is initially attracted to people like Bentley, but is not sure her initial instinct serves her in the long run. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! First Brad Womack, now Bentley? Bad. Taste. In. Men. Anyway, she gives Blake the rose as reassurance that she likes him.

Now it's time for The Thunderdome Date. It's Captain Dingdong and Bland Ben! I have trouble telling them apart except for the fact that they're wearing different color shirts. Thank goodness. They go for a cruise down the river on a boat, with Captain Dingdong and Bland Ben steering the boat. Captain Dingdong decides to "make a move" and, in a private moment, "doesn't throw the guy under the bus or anything" but tells Ashley that Bland Ben is "ready to go home" and has talked about getting on dating websites. This hits Ashley where hurts, because she's insecure that the guys don't like her. So she ends The Thunderdome Portion Of The Date and sends Bland Ben home. Bland Ben says it's not the case, because he's serious about her. Whatever. He's bland. She just can't risk keeping people around if they don't feel strongly for her.

So now it's a one-on-one date with Ashley and Captain Dingdong. She's looking for the sparks from the first date to fly again, but she just doesn't feel those sparks. So, Captain Dingdong is gone too! Whoa. TWO MEN ENTER! TWO MEN LEAVE!

Then it's cocktail party time. They take turns talking to Ashley, who says that she wants them all to be honest because she wants to spend time with them. So they all suck up to her for a while, and then it's time for her to talk to Chris Harrison. She tells him that she feels like things have been getting better, but she's still hung up on Assy McFucknuts. I'm not normally a proponent of violence, especially against women by men, but Chris really needs to slap Ashley across her stupid face. Chris tells her that she's not being fair to the guys because she's kind of moving forward, but she's kind of not. Ashley says she wants to talk to the stupid dumbass and ask him a few questions, and Chris reluctantly says he'll "do everything" to make something happen for her.

Then it's rose ceremony time. Wino and Listerine are safe, and only one other guy is going home. Ashley says she's been learning about "honesty" this week, which made me think of Sesame Street for some reason. Also safe are Constantine, Bland Lucas, Cupcake, Ames, Chef Mickey and Sunshine. So going home is Lucas (real name Nick), which I could not pick out of a lineup, so I am definitely not crushed to see him go. He's sad because he felt strongly about Ashley.

Next week ... the trip of love continues in Hong Kong, and we get to see the idiotic stupid face of Asshat McGee once more. I can only hope that someone kicks him square in the nuts so hard that he never finds his balls again. Repeatedly.


  1. I haven't watched this season, but I loved this recap! Love the names and I really do think they add something to the overall high-class quality of the show.

  2. I'm bummed that Lucas aka Nick got sent home because that was my favorite of the nicknames.

  3. I finally watched Bachelorette from this week! And it was rather boring. Except for theh "beat the living shit out of your fellow contestants" group date. That was pretty fun. I definitely think that Ames is now a front runner in the show for me because he is actually smart. Less so maybe after the concussion. But he is now nicknamed Harvard. The only guy without a nickname is Lucas because every time he comes on my screen I go "Who the hell is that?". Every. Time.