Monday, May 30, 2011

The Trashelorette: The Batman Abides

It's Monday night, which means another exciting night of "The Bachelorette: Ashley Edition." Now that we've met all 478 generic-looking white boys, Ashley can start paring them down to only the few generic-looking white boys that she might want to marry.

Tonight, I, Jen, am recapping by myself because Kel felt that going out and actually doing things was preferable to watching two hours of televised crap. I sometimes doubt her commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Anyway, there were two individual dates and a group date, with roses up for grabs at each of them. On the individual dates, if the boys didn't get roses, they had to go home IMMEDIATELY. Harsh, but that's what you have to do when you're the Bachelorette. There will be no screwing around when you're on a nationally televised search for your husband.

The first group date was with William, the walking romantic comedy. The cell phone salesman got to board a private jet to Vegas with Ashley and fly to Sin City where, sadly, there was very little sinning.

Since the boys who were left behind were bored and assy, they made fun of Batman some more. This is a major theme in this episode. Batman, meanwhile, said he is going to "stay up above and watch down below." I think that Jeff the Masked Entrepreneur is his alter ego and he actually is Bruce Wayne/Batman.

When they get in the limo to take them to the strip, William says he "feels comfortable," and it "doesn't feel like our first date." But then the get to the casino, and people start taking Ashley's picture all over the place. How does anyone even recognize her? These people must be plants because I can't believe that anybody would, firstly, recognize Ashley out of the hundreds of other generic people in the casino and, secondly, actually watch "The Bachelorette" enough to know who Ashley is and bother to take her picture when they see her. I suppose having a camera crew following you would help people at least recognize that she was SOMEBODY.

Anyway, soon Ashley whisked William away on the Most! Awkward! First! Date! Ever! First, they tasted wedding cake. Then they looked at rings. And then, I shit you not, they went to a wedding chapel in the casino (sadly, it was not A Little White Wedding Chapel, where I still regret not eloping with my husband because AWESOMELY TACKY!) and the minister started PERFORMING A WEDDING CEREMONY! What. The. Hell. Creepiest first date OF ALL TIME. William was pretty fucking scared, as he told us verbatim in his testimonial, but when the minister asked if he took Ashley to be his wife, he said "I do" anyway. "What do we do now? This could be a legally binding marriage!" Ashley said, her voice full of fear. Um. You got yourself into this, you silly bint. She doesn't say "I do." Obvs. Because the show would be two episodes long, and while that is all the longer this show should run, it is not. "The Bachelorette" can continue wrecking the sanctity of marriage in America unencumbered.

So after almost getting married, Ashley and William decide to have dinner in the middle of the lake in front of the Bellagio. They talk about how William's dad was an alcoholic, she cries, blah blah, and then. She offers him the rose. SURPRISING I KNOW. He accepts. ALSO SURPRISING I KNOW. And then they kiss, and the fountains go off and it's the BEST DATE EVER OMG YOU GUYS!

But during that date, she was already planning her group date with 12 guys. TWELVE GUYS. That is a lot of guys. She sent them a card to Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt and Ames, saying "In Sin City, boys will be boys," which had nothing at all to do with the group date as it turns out. The group takes a private jet to Vegas, where Ashley meets them in a Daisy Duke-esque getup of jeggings and a plaid button up shirt that's all tied up so her stomach shows. She said it was going to be an active date, so between that, the getup and the fact that "boys will be boys," they might be, I dunno, roping cattle or something. But no. They went to see JabbaWockeeZ, a hip-hop dance troupe. JabbaWockeeZ had an awesome dance and, suddenly, Ashley was in the dance - according to Ben F., she appeared "up through the ground, from the heavens." But then they announced that the boys had to split into two teams and choreograph a number to audition to dance with JabbaWockeeZ that night. The two teams were: The Best Men, consisting of Constantine, Stephen, Ames, Ryan M., Matt and Chris. No Rhythm Nation had Bentley, West, Ben F., Lucas, Blake and Nick.

The dances were both OK, and both teams disparaged their competitors pretty bad, but in the end, No Rhythm Nation won and got to stay in Vegas. The Best Men went back to the Bachelorette mansion, bitching all the way.

So they danced for a big bunch of people and danced pretty decently, and Ashley showed off some of her dance skillz (to her credit, she was pretty good!). Whatever. Now it's time for her to give out the rose ... BUT TO WHO!? She has a one-on-one conversation with each of the guys.

Blake, the dentist, apparently has the same personality type as Ashley because they're BOTH DENTISTS. He said it would be fine. Whatever. Blake is incredibly bland.

West, however, is interesting - he tells Ashley about his first wife, who died after nine months of marriage. Ashley is glad he tells her about it, and West says he's ready to move on. West is definitely growing on me. He seems smart - too smart to be on "The Bachelorette," actually.

Then ... it was time for Bentley, Mr. Douchey Abuser himself. He makes my skin crawl, because if he's serious and not a put-on by the producers, he is an unbelievably awful person. He talks about her "amazing butt and rockin' legs," but isn't interested in Ashley herself. "The competition makes it exciting and competing for her, but that is the extent of my interest," he said. However, Bentley is a master manipulator, and he not only convinces Ashley that he is a nice, somewhat insecure guy, but he gets her to tell him that she "feels something for him," gets him to beg him to stick around AND gets her to give her the group date rose. WHY ASHLEY WHY!?

There's another one-on-one date, in which Mickey and JP have to flip a coin to find out who gets to go. Mickey wins, which sucks because last week Mickey came across as a rapey ass while JP is hot and awesome.

Thankfully for Mickey, Ashley does not make them pretend to get married in Vegas. Instead, they flip a coin a bazillion time to figure out what they're going to do. It's cute at first, but really soon gets annoying. JUST DECIDE. They get wine from a giant wall of wine and drink it next to a giant aquarium, during which Ashley bitches about people judging her on the last season of "The Bachelor." Girlfriend, if you don't want millions of people to judge you, don't go on a trashy, cracked out reality dating show.

Back to the mansion, where the guys complain about Batman's mask some more. They must be really bored in the mansion because they JUST. KEEP. HARPING. ON IT. They must be threatened by him or something because I would just ignore the crazy dude in the mask because, seriously, who would think that Ashley would pick him. (But wait ...)

Back to Vegas. Mickey and Ashley have dinner in a hotel suite overlooking the strip. During dinner, Mickey told Ashley about his family - namely that he's a mama's boy, but his mom is dead. So Ashley flips a coin to decide whether Mickey gets the rose. BUT OF COURSE IT'S HEADS! Was there a question? And then she said she was going to give it to him anyway. They end the night dancing to Cobie Caillat on a "beach" at the Mandalay Bay and making out.

Meanwhile ... JP is frustrated because he lost the coin toss. Poor JP. Batman is also concerned, because he doesn't fit in. They both want to talk to Ashley a lot. FORESHADOWING.

FINALLY, it's time for the party before the rose ceremony, and it's raining. Everyone is nervous and tense. Ashley gets there, and JP steals her away really quickly. He flips a coin and gets to kiss Ashley, and she wanted to kiss JP. This girl kisses a lot of guys. Meanwhile, William is acting like a jerk and interrupts Nick's talk with her even though William already has a rose. That is kind of jerkish, actually. Nick calls William "Ding-dong," which is a pretty good nickname actually.

Then, Batman decides he's going to "reveal himself to Ashley." It turns out that Batman had a brain hemorrhage when he was 29, which screwed up his short-term memory. It took him a long time to recover, and then he also got divorced from someone he was with for almost 10 years. So, OK, Batman has a pretty interesting backstory. He is DEFINITELY growing on me. But just before he can take his mask off ... Matt came in and interrupted him! Bad form, Matt. YOU'LL GET YOURS.

And then there's Bentley. He would "rather swim in pee" than plan a wedding with her. But he kisses her anyway because he wants to win "The Bachelorette." What. A. Dick. They kissed, and "it started out good but then sucked toward the end." Ashley, meanwhile, was head-over-heels by the fact that Bentley picked her up without permission and was generally "romantic." She says she has a good radar for people, but she clearly doesn't. Ashley: GET. OUT. NOW.

Anyway, it was time for the rose ceremony. Ashley thinks her husband is standing in the room. That's getting old already. The men who get roses are: West (yay!), Constantine, Ryan P., Ben C., Nick, Ames, Lucas, Jeff (Batman! Yay!), JP (double yay!), Chris, Ben F. and Blake. Is it bad that I literally can't tell most of these guys apart? I can't remember who most of them are! I know JP because he has a bald head and Jeff because he is Batman, but other than that ... they are THE SAME PERSON.

Anyway, that means we have to say goodbye to Matt, the Momma's Boy who had the awesome mom who he called last week (and called again on national TV, asking her to give him love and make him French toast); Stephen, the hairstylist with bad hair; and Indistinguishable Guy #17, Ryan M. I'm pretty sure Batman pulled some strings and got Matt eliminated. Don't fuck with Batman.

Oh, and by the way, Ashley's husband is in the room. If you didn't know.

What did you think of "The Bachelorette" this week? Is Bentley a plant by the producers to stir up drama? Is Jeff a freakazoid, a neat guy with a tough life, a crime-fighter from Gotham City or all three? Can anybody else tell the guys apart?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Glee-cap: New Directions toward New York!

*sniff sniff* I was already thinking about how much I was going to miss watching "Glee," and this most excellently ridiculous season finale just made me super sad.

Tonight, New Directions finally made it to New York City to compete in Showchoir Nationals! And the episode started out in excellent fashion with Rachel standing in Times Square while "Rhapsody in Blue" played. I loves me a good Gershwin tune, and "Rhapsody in Blue" is one of my favorites ever ever ever. I also loved seeing Rachel standing in Times Square looking like a dork, because I frequently do that when I visit places I've dreamed about all my life. It's like Rachel's dreaming!

So, anyway, because Mr. Schue is, let's face it, a terrible teacher, the Little Glee Club Who Could showed up at nationals with no songs written. So what does Schue do (after getting Puck & Lauren out of the hotel bar)? He leaves the kids together in a hotel room with no supervision so they can write their songs. After hearing Brittany's new song, "What's Up to My Cup?," they decide to take a little field trip and sing a dorky song about how they all love New York. You know this show is a fantasy because real high school kids would be drinking and having sex, not singing. And they decided to wear clothing that looked like it was hacked up by a fashion rainbow. So many colors! I did love Rachel's little "That Girl" outfit. I would like one, please.

While his kids were having good clean fun in New York, Schue was singing too - on stage at the theater where April Rhodes' new show. And he was singing "Still Got Tonight" by Matthew Morrison. Oooh. Meta. It's nice to see Morrison get a feature, since most of this season has been about the kids and Morrison can actually sing really well.

While Schue is still out doing ... whatever ... Finn takes Rachel out on a date - a big romantic gesture to, presumably, try to have her put Jesse St. James behind her. They go to Sardi's for dinner, where Patti LuPone tells Rachel that she should "never give up." This was about the point in the episode where I started to suspect that the entire episode was taking place in Rachel's head. Anyway, then Puck, Sam, Artie & Mike Chang serenade the couple with Bella Notte from "Lady and the Tramp," and Puck plays accordion and Finn professes his undying love for Rachel. But things are bad because Rachel "can't." She disses him. Oh snap.

The next morning, Rachel and Kurt have breakfast at Tiffany's (love!) and they talk about Finn. Rachel wants to come back to New York, but is worried about losing Finn. Then they break into a theater and sing "For Good" from "Wicked" together and I almost lose my shit because they sang so well. This seriously was the best performance of the night, and one of the best of the season. At this point, I also became completely convinced that this episode was all in Rachel's head, or that the entire show is going on in the head of an autistic kid with a love of showtunes, a la "St. Elsewhere." Because this shit? Is ridiculous.

Then Quinn cries because nobody loves her. I am so over Quinn.

Then the evil choir director talks to Schue about him leaving for the bright lights of Broadway, so Schue caves and decides he's not going after all and wants to help his floundering glee club write songs for their competition.

At the competition, a random girls choir sings Usher's "Yeah," and Rachel has a heart-to-heart with Sunshine Corazon (played by the criminally underused Charice), who Rachel sent to a crackhouse at the beginning of the season. Sunshine tells Rachel off, Rachel admits that she did it because Sunshine was so good. Then Sunshine runs off and rocks at "As Long As You're There" with Vocal Adrenaline, who can really freakin' dance.

Then, Finn and Rachel have a conversation which Kel transposed for me as such:
"Finn is like, 'I love you, why are you ditching me?' And Rachel is like, 'I love you, but I love New York more. Sorry dude.'" Aaaaaand ... scene.

Finn & Rachel sing "Pretending" as a duet and kiss on stage in front of thousands of people, and then launch into "Light Up the World," a poppy song that featured other people, including Santana and Artie. It also showed a bit of, but did not prominently feature enough, Quinn's new haircut, which is shoulder-length and absolutely adorable.

After they perform, Jesse said the kiss was inappropriate and unprofessional which, let's face it, is a valid point. Vocal Adrenaline made the finals, as did the wonderfully named Waffletoots. New Directions did not, which probably had less to do with the kiss and more to do with the fact that they were woefully unprepared for a national showchoir competition.

And then it was time to wrap up the season. Over coffee, Kurt tells Blaine about their trip (with a cutaway scene of Santana having a Lima Heights Adjacent-worthy freakout in Spanish) and that the trip was "still amazing." They exchanged "I love you"s and I melted, and then Sam and Mercedes walked in together for a date because they have a budding romance and I melted some more. It's about time Mercedes gets some action in this show, and I'm glad it will be with ol' Trouty Mouth. Sigh. I may act tough but I'm actually a softie, and I love a good romance.

(On a side note, I would so see Kurt's musical, "Pip Pip Hooray" about Pippa Middleton.)

Brittany tells Santana that she loves everyone in glee club and loves Santana more than anyone else and they hug. I expect some more development of their relationship next season, Ryan Murphy!

Finn whines to Rachel for a while about them losing and how he cost them the championship, but they'll have another shot next year and then Rachel will go to New York and then they kiss. Whatever. I am bored with Rachel and Finn. More Sam/Mercedes, Kurt/Blaine and Brittany/Santana por favor.

Anyway, the glee club got 12th place and they're all so happy.

Things I loved: The showtunes, especially Rachel and Kurt's duet. The super colorful outfits. Kurt/Blaine. Sam/Mercedes. Quinn's new haircut. The idea of a musical about Pippa Middleton.

Things I didn't love: Not enough Puck and Lauren. Not enough Sunshine Corazon. Not enough Brittany/Santana. Everything about Quinn except her new haircut. Rachel/Finn. The fact that Glee is over until the fall!

What did you think of the "Glee" finale? Was it ridiculous enough for you?

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Trashelorette: The Saga Begins

So, in a moment of insanity, we decided that we should watch "The Bachelorette" and share our opinions with the world! Surprisingly, there was no alcohol involved in the making of this decision. By the end of the first episode, we wished there was alcohol involved in the watching.

The new bachelorette is Ashley, who allegedly lost on "The Bachelor," but not ending up with a dillhole like Brad Womack seems like a win to us. Kel thinks she is a touch mental, what with going on a reality TV dating show, but she seems more stable than most reality TV contestants. Ashley said that she thinks that you have to give everyone a fair chance, but we both agree that, actually, you don't. If someone is an ass, you can ditch them. However, Ashley gets bonus points for wearing a sparkly dress and flats. Yay sensible shoes!

Anyway, there are a lot of men on this show ... enough to make us both say something that she never thought she'd say: "There are too many guys!" Seriously, this show starts out with 25 men. How does Ashley remember all their names? It really doesn't help that they are all moderately tall, moderately built white guys. Some diversity would not be amiss on this show.

Anyway, the men all arrived in the limos, and despite the fact that they catcalled like a bunch of 20-year-old frat boys, it was on.

They also had packages on the first nine guys, so we have more background on them. I'm sure we'll learn more about the other guys later in the series, if we can remember who they are with their lack of distinguishing features.

The men are:
  • Ryan, 31, "wants better for the world." He works in the solar industry. He said that "the only thing stronger than the sun is love," which is an incredibly cheesy thing to say. He was pretty boring when he met Ashley. We are kind of over him.
  • JP, 34, of New York, works in construction management. He's adorable. And he brought no props or anything ... just his smile. Aww.
  • Ames, 31, works in finance. He went to Yale, 2 Masters, Doctorate, been to 70 countries. Has run 39 marathons, many ultra marathons, and is very glad to tell you all about how great he is thank you very much. However, when he meets Ashley, he gives her ballet tickets, which is sweet and thoughtful and not cheesy or creepy like some of the other guys. He's not a complete ass! Yay!
  • Ben C., 28, Lawyer, New Orleans, wants true love. He says he's a 15 or 215 on a one to ten on the romantic scale. He speaks French to Ashley when he meets her, and she understands, which really comes across as pretty sweet. He's one of our favorites after they first meet.
  • Ben F., 28, is a winemaker with fun hair! He was a happy kid with happy parents, but his dad died and then he became guarded. However, he assures the viewers he's "ready to fall in love." He likes well-rounded, cultured, successful women, and presumably long walks on the beach and reality show drama. He made a toast with wine he made, but seems charming and comfortable on TV. Ben F. is another favorite.
  • Bentley, 28, has a daughter and a cute puppy. He's divorced and owns his own business, and says he wants Emily to be the Bachelorette. He also is apparently not there for the right reason, according to a friend of his ex-wife. Ashley, of course, wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. Kelly says he's an "asshole, but perhaps I'm projecting. No, he's an asshole." Not a surprise, with a name like Bentley.
  • Anthony, 28, Italian/New Jersey, Butcher, looking for a connection, wants girl to be full of life. Anthony has never been on a blind date. He is a bit awkward, but the way he moves, he is obviously vain. However, in general, we have decided he is harmless.
  • West, 30, is a prosecutor. He's also the token sob story guy. He was married, and his wife died after having a seizure in the bath. OK, fine, it's actually a sad story, not just a sob story. When he meets Ashley, he gives her a broken compass that is stuck on west. Cute, but cheesy. Not terribly "clever," Ashley. Sigh.
  • William, 30, salesman, super adorable and goofy. He is like a walking romantic comedy. Family is big part of his life, and dad had alcohol problem and died. When he met Ashley, he was speechless and excited to see that it is Ashley, then forgot to tell her his name. He's kind of a dork, but being flabbergasted is sort of cute.
  • Jon, 26, e-commerce exec, said, almost immediately, "Can we skip everything and go straight to the honeymoon?" and then lifted her up. Rapey much? Ashley seemed to like it, though.
  • Lucas, 30, oil field equipment exec, "smells good" according to Ashley and is a hugger. That's really all we got about him. Smells good. Hugs a lot. Guess it's good that he smells good if he's going to hug you.
  • Mikey, 30, chef, has a present. From all the men in America. And that present is a kiss. Yeah. Not cool to spring that on someone."You gotta go for it," he tells the other guys. Yeah, how about no, rapey dude?
  • Tim, 35, liquor distributor, is nervous and can't talk, so he acts super awkward and asks for a hug. At last he asks. *cough*Mickey*cough*
  • Stephen, 27, is a hairstylist, and literally the only thing he says is that she has a new hair color. Also, he has bad hair, which is bad for a hairstylist.
  • Chris D., 25, sports manager, makes up a poem/semi-rap thing for her, which is "SO CUTE" according to Ashley. Everything is "SO CUTE" according to Ashley. Also, Kelly things Chris D. is a bit of a close talker, so we will monitor that situation as it develops.
  • Rob, 27, tech exec, is completely unmemorable.
  • Matt, 28, office supply salesman, is totally nervous and does a very awkward handshake thing with her. Still, he's kind of sweet.
  • Jeff, 25, entrepreneur, is wearing a mask over his eyes. He wants to "take (his) face out of the game." In the intro he comes across as super awkward, but by the end of the show we get what he's going for and we're glad Ashley isn't a bitch about it and takes him somewhat seriously.
  • Frank, 29, college admissions director, kissed her hand, twirled her and freakin' picked her up and forcibly danced with her. He is definitely not as charming as he and, inexplicably, she thinks it is. Note to people: Forcing people to dance with you is creepy.
  • Mike, 29, tech salesman is sort of vaguely funny, but he kind of comes off as awkward when he says that it's the only time he's been excited to see a dentist and if it were his dentist he'd need to be gassed up. However, Jen thinks that is a bit endearing since she would definitely say something really stupid if she were on a reality show, which is why she is not.
  • Chris, 27, is an exec. And he's Canadian. He also says they have stuff in common. Yes, they are both carbon-based life forms. We think.
  • Ryan, 27, construction estimator, brought a camera and took pictures. He came across as cute at first but by the end of meeting Ashley he already started coming across as more annoying than cute. Kind of like when your cat starts batting at your head at 3 a.m.
  • Nick, 26, personal trainer, has a poem for Ashley. It is not terrible, but it is still cheesy and lame.
  • Blake, 27, is another dentist. He is so awkward, it is painful to watch.
  • Constantine, 30, restaurant owner, brought floss and tied it on her hand. It sounds so strange, but it was cute, and he was "the cutest thing ever," Ashley said. But she said that about at least five guys.
Phew, we're not going to remember all of these guys.

Anyway, after a quick chat with Chris, she was off to meet the boys and give out one "first impression rose."

When she walks into the house, it's like they're fighting over a piece of meat. Solar Ryan grabs her first, and he talks about his solar panel business. He seems to believe in what he does, which adds some charm to his somewhat bland personality.

Matt, whose nickname is now "Momma's Boy," starts talking about the hometown date and how well Ashley would get along with him mom, which, frankly, is creepy. He has known Ashley for about 2 minutes. Then he calls his mom so Ashley can talk to her. Thankfully, Matt's mom is awesome and gives them some great motherly advice: "When the two of you decide that you are going to forgo your separate rooms and join in the fantasy suite, just remember two things. Number one, your moms are watching, and number two, don't forget to use your protection." Awkward. But hilarious. Because, frankly, you do have to remember when you're on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette that your parents and millions of other people ARE watching you. Creepy.

Some dude with a guitar hijacks a conversation between three guys and Ashley. She is "impressed with the caliber of men that are here" because her standards are apparently very low, and she's glad that one of them plays guitar. Except, he doesn't. He throws the guitar in the pool because he's an ass. Too bad we have no idea which one he is.

Now we get to meet Jeff, the mask guy. He will be called Batman because that's what the guys are calling him, although "Eyes Wide Shut" also is referenced. We appreciate the idea of attraction not just being about appearance, but the whole mask thing is weird. However, the guys, especially Tim, make a disproportionately huge deal about it. WTF?

Soon, Tim is drunk. Not only is he an ass, he's also drunk. Awesome first impression, dick. Ashley feels bad for him at first. Why? "I can identify with wasted opportunities." Oh Ashley. Then, Tim the Drunk is gunning for a fight with Batman. For some reason. Tim at least wants to, but Batman seems pretty chill. Tim then passes out. On national television. On his first night in the Bachelorette house. Ashley doesn't know what to do about passed out Tim the Drunk. Ashley tries to explain it away by him being nervous. No, Ashley, getting pass out drunk is not something you can explain away. Don't feel sorry for him, he's an idiot. Sure, most people have had a drunk incident, but don't do it on TV. You just look assy. Don't pout over him. Thankfully Ashley makes the right decision and sends Tim on his merry, drunk way home. Good riddance.

JP, the Hot Shaved Head Guy with the Good Coat seems very sweet and fun, and he really seems like a guy who is attentive to a woman. Apparently his nickname at work is Cupcake. We shall also call him Cupcake, even though he hates it. Cupcake he shall be.

And now Bentley, he needs a good nickname. He is a manipulator. He is the worst kind of asshole. He is a guy who comes off as sincere, but is manipulating the woman he is with. It is a form of abuse that should not be tolerated by anyone ever. Perhaps his name will be
Douchey Abuser, because that is what he is.

Solar Ryan gets the first impression rose, and 18 guys total stay. The special chosen boys are: Ryan, Jeff (aka Batman), Constantine, Ben F. (aka Winemaker), Lucas, Stephen, Matt (aka Mamma's boy), Nick, Chris, Ryan M, Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, William, JP (aka Cupcake), Ames and Bentley.

Going home are: Anthony, Rob, Jon, Frank, Mike, Chris, Tim.

The biggest problem so far with "The Bachelorette" is just how very hard it is to tell the guys apart. The only ones we can really tell apart are Cupcake, because he has a shaved head, and Batman, because he's wearing a mask. As we start to get to know these guys, and as more go home, things will get a little easier to recap. The other problem is just the general cheesiness. So many of the guys speak in cliches, and if Ashley keeps saying things like, "I think my husband is in this room" it is going to be hella-annoying.

But, according to the preview of the season, it seems like there will be much drama to recap! Stay tuned to the Pop Tarts to keep updated on what's happening on this wonderful piece of television trash!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Justin Timberlake/Lady Gaga on SNL

I don't normally watch Saturday Night Live (though I do tend to watch some of the sketches that I hear are good) so I don't know how funny it normally is, but this past week, the season finale, was hilarious. In my opinion, there were three top moments: JT's monologue, Lady Gaga's first performance, Lady Gaga's second performance. Not to take anything away from Timberlake, but Gaga completely stole the show. And not just in her performances. She was in two skits and the Digital Short. And she killed them all. Let me break it all down a bit further.

Timberlake came out with a monologue about how he wasn't going to sing on the show (the previous times he has hosted, he was also the musical guest), which he told in musical form! It was clever and hilarious; JT always seems willing to poke fun at himself which makes him all the more likable. As far as the sketches went, they were pretty standard, most of which had been done before when Timberlake has hosted before. There was a "Dress up in a silly costume and sing songs advertising some business", "Barry Gibb Talk Show", "Creepy robot mannequins in an amusement park ride", and a game show. And they were all funny. I was particularly surprised by how much I enjoyed when Timberlake, et. al. were being mannequin robots; it was funnier than I remember the previous incarnation of that being. It was just rather silly.

Really the only sketch I did not find particularly amusing was the game show of "Secret Word". It was the second game show sketch and just fell flat. The characters where overly weird and didn't have any sort of punch at the end. It just didn't go anywhere. I thought the "What's that name" sketch was slow starting, but really came through at the end. I also think that the Barry Gibb Talk Show was one of the weaker sketches, but only because the brilliance of that was always Jimmy Fallon and Timberlake cracking each other up, and they both held it together this time. Weekend Update was funny, but nothing spectacular, though I really enjoyed the cameo of Bradley Cooper. He is always welcome on my tv!

Now for the best thing about SNL this week...Lady Gaga. First of all, both her performances were wicked weird and freakishly amazing. Like really, she killed it. Killed. It. Her first performance started out with her on the Piano and then exploded into Judas, completely with scantily clad dancers (both male and female). I was glad to see that Mark Kanemura (from seasons 4 & 7 of So You Think You Can Dance) is still dancing for Gaga. He is one of my favorite dancers and fits the weirdness of Gaga so well. The second song was Born This Way and was also fabulous. At the end, she gave birth to glitter and gold paint. It was equal parts erotic/sexy and creepy/weird. Which really sums up Gaga fairly well. The thing I was most impressed with is the level of dancing Lady Gaga does on her ridiculously high heels. That takes mad skill!

Lady Gaga also made appearances in the first sketch in a wine bottle outfit, which really made the sketch. Timberlake was doing a fine job singing as a bottle of beer, but the sketch wasn't as good as the previous incarnations of Homelessville or Omeletville. But Gaga in her wine outfit, singing with JT totally sold it. She also killed it in the "What's that name" sketch. She played herself and was really funny. Her other highlight was singing in the Digital Short with Timberlake and Andy Samberg in their third video of the "Dick in a Box" characters. I thought the song, 3-way, was the weakest of the three, but having Gaga singing on the track and in the video saved it.

Really, for as much as I love Justin Timberlake and think he is an amazing SNL host, I think Gaga stole the show and tore shit up. I would love to see her back as a host sometime. It was nice to see her being silly when you usually only see her being weird. If I could get a guarantee that every week of SNL was as entertaining as this season finale I would totally watch every week.

Did you watch? What were your thoughts?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Idol Notes

Idol thoughts:

--I love Steven Tyler's pants!

--Lauren still needs to fire her stylist. She looks like a jank Wonder Woman.

--Scotty's upper range sounds nice.

--J-Lo's hair looks like it is trying to be like Jedward.

--Oh my god the earrings. Lauren's outfit is worse than I thought orginially.

--I don't like the way she sounds on the verses. It A bit pitchy and icky all the way through.

--She attacked it, like J-Lo said...but with a hammer and killed it. Not in a good way.

--Haley's dad is playing guitar with her? That is freakin' amazing!

--Oh no! She fell. But a great recovery. She is such a fucking rock star. Work it, girl!

--I love Scotty's guitar. It has some sort of fancy colorful thing on it.

--He needs his mic a wee bit higher. He is in an awkward stance.

--Ryan's banter with the judges is not nearly as fun as Ryan/Simon banter.

--I figured our what is wrong with Lauren's fashion. She dresses like a teenager. Because she's a teenager.

--Lauren was doing ok and then went a little bit hot mess at the end.

--The judges are stupid. "You got caught up in the moment" is a bullshit excuse for forgetting the lyrics and missing notes.

--Haley really is very Stevie Nicks. Fleetwood Mac isn't my favorite group, but I appreciate them.

--Haley's shoes are amazing. Love them. Want them.

--Wind Machine!

--Whole performance was a bit meh for me. But I don't care for that song.

--Everyone has one more song to sing, but I literally cannot watch anymore Idol. I'll watch the last performances tomorrow and update if there is anything noteworthy.

Glee-cap: 'Funeral' Filler Before Finals

"Glee" last night felt like Fox told Ryan Murphy, "Dude, you're an episode short!" So Ryan Murphy said, "Ummm, OK, let's figure out something. It's gotta be good!"

And it was good. But hardly anything happened in the overarching plot.

"Funeral" started out same as usual - Jesse St. James was back to be the glee club's consultant, and he announced that members would have to audition for the featured solo and they would build the show around them. Meanwhile, Sue is working with Will's evil ex-wife Terri, code named "Honey Badger," to reroute New Directions' plane to Libya so that they would be killed, or kidnapped and killed. Glee club drama plus Sue being evil? Same shit, different day.

But then the episode took a dark turn. When Becky, the Cheerio with Down's Syndrome, asks Mr. Schue if she can join the "Glee" club because Sue kicked her out, we find out that Sue's sister, Jean (who also has Down's Syndrome), just died and Sue is majorly grieving.

So this sets up our two plotlines. Glee club auditions, which is where the bulk of the music came from, and Sue's grief, which is where the bulk of the emotion came from.

Let's take the auditions first. In quick succession, Santana sang Amy Winehouse's Back to Black, Kurt sang Some People from Gypsy, Mercedes sang Try a Little Tenderness and Rachel sang My Man from Funny Girl. They all sounded great, but I would have given the solo to Santana in a heartbeat. I loved her Winehouseian growl! I also loved Kurt singing a song from Gypsy, but I am a slut for showtunes, especially songs that were once performed by Ethel Merman. (Kel agrees - she loves all things "Gypsy.") Mercedes was fierce, too, although I would love to hear her sing something other than R&B diva goodness. She's good at it, but she can do other things, dammit! And of course, I liked Rachel's song because, hello, slut for showtunes. Jesse chose Rachel, of course, since he wants to get into her panties. But at the end Schue decided that they'd be an ensemble after all.

The really interesting, realistic, sweet and OMG tearjerking part of the episode, though, was Sue. I realize that it's a big contrived to have an episode revolving around a character we barely know who is disabled and everything, but it's nice to see that Sue has a heart after all. I was touched by the glee club's offer to help Sue, spearheaded by Finn and Kurt - who have lost people very close to them too. Sue wondering why she wasn't dead instead of her sister, Sue not being able to face cleaning her sister's room at the nursing home, Sue not being able to finish her eulogy, Sue letting Becky back into the Cheerios as captain and giving her a hug - I have to say that I really feel Sue. She is ridiculous in her evilness, and yet she really is a good person at times. The glee club put together the funeral for Jean, and sang a very sweet rendition of "Pure Imagination" from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."

The only other bits of crap that happened in this episode:
  • Will is going to New York to be in April's show this summer. Is Matthew Morrison doing some contract negotiating?
  • Will's evil ex-wife is moving to Miami. We'll never see her again! Yay!
  • Sue is running for U.S. House of Representatives. If Jane Lynch leaves the show I will cry.
  • Finn broke up with Quinn. Also, Quinn has plans for New York City. Can they just go away? I am tired of their romance drama.
Overall, it was a nice episode of "Glee," in the sense that it kept me mostly interested and had some good music. I also liked having Jesse St. James back, because he is hot and funny and delightfully evil. But it had kind of a strange flow, because four of the five songs were bunched together in the middle of the episode. It was also a bit contrived to make everyone cry, but the emotions were realistic enough that it wasn't annoying like watching a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel or anything.

I'll leave you with some great quotes from the episode that made me laugh:

Sue calling Kurt & Finn "Eddie Munster and Herman Munster."

"You kind of sing and dance like a zombie that has to poop." - Jesse about Finn

"Do you know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop, like 'Weekend at Bernie's.'" - Jesse

Jesse took class at USC on reality TV show judging, "so I am ready to give feedback that is both blistering and unhelpful."

"Maybe you can come on Fondue for Two and judge my cat." - Brittany to Jesse


I'm not sure how many of you know about Eurovision. You may have heard of it because ABBA won it in 1974 for Waterloo. If you have no idea what it is, let me try to sum it up quickly. Eurovision is a song competition between a ton of European nations (43 this year), where all the other countries vote on the performances.

The concept is super awesome and really, I wish that there was something in the USA that was similar. However, the concept pales in comparison to the actual execution of the show. Some of the performances are nice, understated, pleasant. But those are not the fun performances. The ones that are the best are the performances that are weird. In my opinion, Europe has better music than America. It may just be my taste in music, but I enjoy the crazy dance music that Europe gives more than the crap that seems to come from here (though I do also like anything singer-songwriter). The point of Eurovision seems to be to showcase the weirdest music of Europe, which is awesome! My biggest confusion with Eurovision is the voting. Each country has call in voting (much like Idol), with the top 10 vote getters getting points. Fine. The confusion is the actual voting results. It seems like mostly countries vote for a country they like rather than a music group they like (they can't vote for themselves). For example, most of the Baltic nations just vote for each other. Which, yeah, makes some sense. But also, it ends up giving more points to countries that may not have had great performances. So, a lot like Idol!

This past weekend was the Eurovision finale and there were definitely some weird performances. Moldova really brought the crazy with their song and performance; Ukraine also broke out the weirdness with a sand artist doing the backgrounds. My three favorites were Sweden (3rd place), Denmark (5th place), and Ireland (8th place).

Sweden's entry was Popular by Eric Saade. The lyrics are really not great, but the music is extremely catchy and Saade is super hot, if a bit boyband (probably because he used to be in a boyband!). His whole performance is solid, with weird frame things, breaking glass, and hot backup dancer boys. And I have not been able to get his song out of my head. I liked Saade in his interviews, too. He seemed really sweet and just psyched to be toward the top of the results.

Denmark's entry was New Tomorrow by A Friend in London. They really kind of remind me of My Chemical Romance's newest song; they kind of fit in with OneRepublic, The Script, etc. in my head. There performance is rather understated for the competition, which is kinda fun. They just went out on stage and jammed. Also, they get an extra point from me for yelling "I want to fuck you" to all of Europe after they got top points from one of the countries. And one more point for repeating the exact same phrase when apologizing for saying it.

Ireland's entry was Lipstick by Jedward. Ok, I have to admit that I knew who Jedward was before Eurovision because I watch too much UK tv. They were on X Factor a few years and people either love them or hate them. I love them. Jedward is a pop duo that is comprised of Irish twins who are 19 (I think) with ridiculous hair. They are not the best singers or the best dancers, but they are by far the best performers of anything ever. They also have more energy than anything else ever. Besides all that, they are ridiculously sweet in interviews and seem like genuinely nice boys. Their song Lipstick has been stuck in my head since Saturday and I am totally ok with that. I have memorized most of the lyrics. I could probably do most of their choreography. If you want to know why Eurovision is amazing and amazingly weird, watch Jedward.

For my favorite example of weirdness, the Ukraine entry from 2007, which got 2nd place. That kind of performance would never work in America, which is tragique!

I really do love the weirdness of European music and love the internet for giving me access to all of it! Go forth and watch the ridiculata of music from Eurovision!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

'Bridesmaids' does well at box office, leads to new GIRL POWER movement

GIRL POWER! "Bridesmaids" didn't grab the top box office spot over the weekend (it went to "Thor" with $34.7 million), but it still kicked a mighty amount of ass. It made $26.2 million, which is a darn respectable amount and WAY above the $17 million mark that was bandied about.

"Bridesmaids" had an immense amount of pressure on it to do well, too. Even though it was produced by very successful producer/director/writer Judd Apatow, it was written by a pair of women, starred a bunch of women and featured girly things like weddings, dresses and hot Irish cops. (OK, just one hot Irish cop, but still.) The prevailing opinion about "Bridesmaids" was: "If this movie isn't amazing and doesn't make millions of dollars and isn't the funniest damn thing anybody's ever seen, women will never ever ever ever ever ever work in Hollywood again and movies for women will be horribly derivative for all time. For all time!"

Luckily, "Bridesmaids" was very successful and was, indeed, one of the funniest damn things I've ever seen. The question now is whether the movie will hurtle over the gap between "funny movie for chicks" and "funny movie." In other words, men are going to have to go see this movie, even though it features (gasp) women! And they should - it is a hella-funny movie with a great story and characters. But don't take my word for it - my mom reported that my dad (who saw the movie Friday despite the fact he generally hates "chick flicks") kept randomly thinking of scenes from "Bridesmaids" during the weekend and laughing.

Let me tell you right now, if you're someone who normally hates chick flicks, "Bridesmaids" is not a normal chick flick. It is so much funnier, better, more interesting and likable than a lot of movies I've seen, and there are so many reasons why I like it better than a lot of movies, especially movies for women.
  • The main character, Annie, is REALLY a mess. In so many movies, the only way that you know that a woman is supposed to be a mess is that she falls down sometimes. They still look gorgeous and wear beautiful clothes and drive a nice car and have at least two hot men who secretly love them. Kristen Wiig, who plays Annie, is pretty but she is not an uber-hottie like, for example, Katherine Heigl. She can walk on her own two feet without tripping, but she is a poor, failed business owner who makes practically nothing at her lame job at a jewelry store, wears off-the-rack sundresses, lives with a couple of weirdos and drives a crappy car that doesn't always start. Annie isn't always likable - she definitely brings the neurotic crazy - but she's someone to which everyone can relate in some way.
  • The "fat girl" isn't just for comic relief. Megan, played by Melissa McCarthy, is the big, quirky girl in the group of bridesmaids, and although she definitely gets a lot of the laughs in the movie (some of which are related to the fact that she's larger and more masculine and just generally weirder than the other girls), she also is shown to be the smartest and coolest person. She also gets to be the one who lights a fire under Annie's ass and gets her to stop being a total whiner in one of the pivotal scenes in the movie. Megan is super likable and funny, but she is a fleshed-out character with a real backstory. How often does that happen for a fat character, especially a fat female character, in ANY movie?
  • Normal romantic comedy tricks don't work. In one scene, Annie tries to apologize to another character in a rather cliche way almost straight out of a romantic comedy movie and, guess what? It doesn't work. It most likely wouldn't work in real life, and it didn't work in "Bridesmaids." It was one of those wonderful surprises in the movie that made me go, "Oooh, they really didn't try to cut corners, did they?" They made peoples' reactions more realistic than in many movies - although they were still exaggerated for comic relief, of course!
  • It showed realistic friendships between women. All the characters rang true and I understood their motivations completely. They made much more sense together than, for example, the women in the "Sex and the City" movies. I was touched by the friendships and the way the relationships played out, and a few times I even got just a teeny bit teary. But only a little bit! I swear! *tear*
  • There were some genuinely freaking funny scenes. I don't always laugh out loud at comedies, but I really, really did in "Bridesmaids." A lot of times, actually. There was one particular scene, where the women get food poisoning, that had the potential to be a gross, stupid scene. After all, the humor revolved around women shitting themselves while wearing fancy dresses. You wouldn't really think it would be that funny (though poop humor is generally a winner!), but the ways they reacted showed the incredible comedy chops of the women involved. They fully committed to the scene, and it's one of the scenes in the movie that has been making me randomly giggle to myself all weekend. This was the gold standard in poo humor, people! If that doesn't get you to the theater, there's no hope for you!
So who saw "Bridesmaids" this weekend?

Monday, May 16, 2011


Welcome to The Pop Tarts! Jen and I, formally from The Book Tarts (our creativity is amazing!), have decided to switch up our blog. We both love reading and all things books, but we tend to watch a ton of tv, specifically reality tv, and like to talk about that a lot. We also like to know everything there is about all think pop culture. So this blog will reflect that. I'm not sure what all that will entail, but whatever it is, it will be snarky and funny and entertaining.

You can also follow my twitter (@keljokob) to get all the latest postings and other tidbits of pop tarty goodness. Jen will have an actual Pop Tarts twitter up and running soon, so be on the look out for that.

In conclusion, welcome to our new blog. Feel free to comment on things. We always like hearing other opinions about pop culture. It keeps us tarty!