Monday, June 13, 2011

The Trashelorette: Phuket! Why are they still talking about Bentley?

We may have finally ridded our televisions of Bentley last week, but the Ghost of Douchey Game Show Contestants Past still followed our simple-country-girl-turned-Bachelorette.

After a strict lecture about being serious about Ashley and this show, Chris Harrison whisked the remaining 12 guys off to Phuket, Thailand.

Ashley is "so excited" about going to Thailand, but she is still "holding on" to her relationship with Bentley and "just can't forget about it." I wish they would just break the Bachelorette rules and show her all the footage of Loserface saying terrible things about her. Of course, she'd probably just say that his words were misconstrued or something.

Anyway, after the guys get settled in at the bachelor beach house, Ashley sends a card inviting Constantine on a one-on-one date. Nick (AKA Lucas) is bummed, and hopes for some rain.
Well, Lucas must be made of magic, because IT RAINS ON CONSTANTINE'S PARADE! They aren't able to go on a boat to a private island like Ashley planned because of the rain that Lucas MAGICALLY CONJURED, so instead the pair goes shopping. When they get to the market, Ashley shrieks about how cute everything is. I swear, every other word out of this woman's mouth is "cute!" How about buying her a thesaurus at the market? They also get advice from a wizened and, presumably, cute old shopkeeper to not try to win arguments.

Meanwhile, she invites Ben C. (Bland Ben), JP (Cupcake), Ryan (Sunshine), West (West), Mickey (Chef Mickey), Ben F. (Wino), Blake (Listerine), Nick (Lucas), Lucas (Bland Lucas) and William (Captain DingDong) on a group date, leaving Ames (Ames) on his own. He hopes this means that he gets a one-on-one date with Ashley.

Back on their date, Ashley whines that she still misses Douchebag McAsshat even though she has chemistry with the infinitely hotter and less deplorable Constantine. They talk for a while (a loooooooong while) while drinking wine while lounging on a bed on the beach before she finally gives him a rose. She feels "hopeful" again. He wants to "grow the connection we've started."

The next day, the guys gather for their group date. It's raining again. Why did they decide to film a reality show in Thailand during the rainy season? I can understand if it were "Survivor," but on "The Bachelorette" everybody is supposed to have perfect hair along with their perfect teeth and bodies. How can they do that when it rains!?

Anyway, they're at the Baan San Fan orphanage, and during their group date the boys and Ashley are going to paint, put up soccer nets and generally help out with making the orphanage look good. Given her previous dates, I'm surprised they're not picking out their first child together. Whoever picks the same as Ashley gets a rose!

Seriously, though, it's a nice idea, and many of the guys, especially Cupcake, seem pretty sincerely excited about helping out. He even says later that he's "forever changed. " I am pretty sure he is too good to be on this stupid show. Sunshine is also very sincerely excited, apparently, to the point where the other guys are super annoyed by him. They accuse him of trying to get Ashley's attention and trying to be a leader too much. "It's too much!" they whine. Wino, meanwhile, paints a mural "even though I can't paint." It's actually pretty decent. It was worth it, too, because Wino ends up getting the rose ... after an unremarkable cocktail party during which the guys bitch about Sunshine some more. Dudes, he's Sunshine! He's just happy! Get over it!
Now it's time for Ames' date, and he's excited because he's never had a one-on-one date with Ashley. She's excited to get to know him. They go off on a boat, and Ashley remarks that she feels "like we're on the Titanic or something." Umm, honey, you did see the movie, right? You know the boat sinks and everybody dies? Anyway, then they go kayaking through caves in the rain, and Ames waxes poetic about how the caves are like a relationship: "Around every corner, you really don't know what to expect." Snort.

They talk some more over dinner, and Ashley reveals that she wants to raise her children in a bigger city and travel so that they are exposed to more than she was exposed to when she was a kid. Does that include exposing them to reality TV cameras? I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway, they talk more and she eventually decides to give Ames the rose.

Finally, it's cocktail party time. Ashley is concerned about West, because his wife is dead and she's not sure that he's ready. He says he is ready to move on and has taken time for himself. She's also worried about Bland Lucas, who was divorced. He admits he still cares for his ex-wife because he loved her, but is ready for a relationship too. He also makes her feel "hopeful" that the guys are there for her.

Since Batman is gone, the guys take out their anger/rage/cattiness on Sunshine. They think Ashley's aware enough to figure out that something's up. Except, there is nothing up with Sunshine. He's grating on everyone, but I'm not really sure why. "Intensity," they say. They think he's too intensely happy and gung-ho about things, and that the things he says feel disingenuous. Ridiculous. Ryan also thinks it's silly, and says, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not grumpy. My bad. I guess I should be grumpy. Though it has been raining a lot. Maybe I should be grumpy." He also says they should always feel happy because they're not in a war zone like other people. Nothing is going to rain on Sunshine's sunny personality, not even the rain! Ashley even asks him about it. He doesn't know where it comes from, but it's the "real me." Sunshine really is the perfect name for him.

During their sitdown, Ashley tells Chris that she was blown away by Ames and by the group date, but she is still "a little hung up on" on Asshole Poopyface Douchenozzle. She wonders what could have been and "feels like there's something more there" because of her fabulous woman's intuition. Hey girl, don't go dragging our gender into this. Chris should have just smacked her right across her stupid face at this point. Instead, Chris agrees to her request that she give out 11 roses and only send one poor schmuck home. There are 11 guys she could see herself marrying. I don't think that in my entire life of dating I've had 11 different guys who I seriously thought I could marry, and that includes the celebrities I fantasized about marrying when I was in middle school.

So ... Constatine, Ames and Wino have roses already. The other guys who get roses are: Bland Lucas (who calls her "sweety"), Sunshine (suck it!), Cupcake (still my favorite!), Lucas (who is almost as bland as Bland Lucas but has more interesting hair), Chef Mickey, Listerine (who I always forget about), Captain DingDong and Bland Ben.

Which means that West is going home. Appropriate for the week they went east. He misses his late wife and thinks that Ashley was probably afraid to fill her shoes, but he says he was really ready to move on. Move on, West! Go find love like a normal person!

Next week ... they go to Chiang Mai. Ashley continues her great ideas for dates by having the guys punch each other until one has to go to the hospital. And Douchehat Assface Craphole makes a return, apparently. Let's hope Chris Harrison kicks him square in the nuts.

1 comment:

  1. I really don't think you need my help in blogging as you did a bang up job by yourself. Though didn't we nickname Bland Ben "Princess" last week. Or was that someone else. I literally cannot picture him. Nor can I picture Bland Lucas or West. So maybe I just don't care. I'll watch and add some comments later.