Tonight! On "The Bachelorette!" MORE CRYING! Seriously. We are tired of all the crying. Especially Ashley. But also some of the guys. Sigh. Let's get it started.
First up ... the one-on-one date! Ashley chose Ben C., the lawyer from New Orleans. He kind of reminds Kel of a puppy. In his confessional, he says that he wants to dance. And then ... THEY LEARN A DANCE! Because they are going to be part of a flashmob, but Ben doesn't know. Because Ashley likes to torture the guys. Too bad their dance is dirty. There is one point where it really looks like they're going "wank, wank, wank, ORGASM!" Anyway ... they have some food and then Ashley says, "Hey, let's do our dance. Nobody will ever notice!" and strokes her evil invisible goatee. Then, "Like a G6" starts playing and suddenly there's a flashmob. OH MY GOSH SOME DIVERSITY! Ben is really trying to dance well, although he totally dances like a white boy with the white man's overbite, which is awkward when Ashley tries to dirty dance all up on him. Far East Movement plays, too - they're really too cool for his show.
At dinner that night, Ashley says that it's a "pretty over-the-top day," which would be more interesting if Ashley hadn't PLANNED THE WHOLE THING! Anyway, they talk over dinner and Ben talks about the princess movie life he wants. He also talks really fast and says he wants to "literally blow up the roof." We are pretty sure he wants to "figuratively blow the roof off." He blows Ashley's mind, but not in the way that he blows our minds.
They get a group date together with Ames, Wino (Ben), Listerine (Blake), Batman (Jeff), Lucas, Sunshine (Ryan), Captain DingDong (William), Douchey Asshat (Bentley), Nick and the guy who read the card, who is apparently named Chris D. but we literally have never seen him on the show ever. The clue says that they "need to make her laugh."
Back to Ben's date. He is still talking about his princess movie life. He shall therefore be known as Princess. He got a rose! What a surprise! Ashley says, "When I love, I love hard." That's what she said. Obvs.
They talk to Batman for a while, but we are not sure what they said because he wears a mask and they play really fun movie. He decides to talk to Ashley and take off his mask, then say, "Hi. I'm Jeff." Worst. Opening. Line. Ever. "I'm glad he finally took it off," Ashley said. That's what she said! Ashley also says that he is a lot older than she thought he was. They also start showing a strange couple of shots of a hawk and a squirrel. Not sure what that is about. Is Batman the hawk? The squirrel? Is Ashley in this metaphor?
The group date is a roast of Ashley! This is a very, very bad plan. Are you stupid, Ashley? Let's have the guys stand up and make fun of you in front of a packed house! Jeffrey Ross, a comedian, talks to the guys and tells them, "If you can make a woman laugh at herself, you can make her do anything." Incorrect.
We are still having trouble with remembering who is who. Kel was pretty sure that Lucas had longish hair, but it was Nick all along! Captain DingDong says that he is going to use this as a jumping off point for his future of being a comedian. Oh, how wrong he was.
Most of the comedians-to-be were super bland and mainly roasted the other guys. Lucas was bland. Sunshine tried to insult Bentley but it didn't work. Listerine was funny. Jeffrey Ross called Batman "Zorro's unemployed brother," which was really pretty funny. Then he came up and talked about how Ashley has small boobies. Poor Ashley. Wino's confessional about Batman's roast was the funniest thing about all the comedy stuff: "You've had all of 15 minutes to talk to this girl, and you're like, *boop,* here's my face, you have small tits!"
THEN ... oh Captain, my Captain, why did you have to go and make Ashley cry? Captain DingDong gets up there and says that he was expecting one of the other Brad rejects from last season, but it doesn't really matter who the girl is. It's not funny because it's true. And Bentley says he feels the same, but isn't saying. Which stance is worse? Both, we think.
So Ashley cries and cries. Because even though she set up this date and it was supposed to be a roast, she can't take a joke. And, unfortunately, Bentley decides he's going to "mess with her head." (Yes, Douchey Asshat actually said that.) So here's a little PSA about Bentley, courtesy of Kel: If a guy specifically says that he is messing with someone, he is an ass. He needs to punch to the balls and a slap to the face and every other punishment in your mind. No matter how "hot" he is, no one every deserves to have someone treat them that way. He, and everyone like him, needs to have their shit called out. If you notice a guy doing that to you or someone else, make sure to call them out, dump them, leave them, kick them, etc. It is abuse and angers me. If I saw a guy doing that to one of my friends, I would let them know and also kick the guy. I am usually not a fan of physical violence. But in his case, Bentley deserves pain. /End PSA
Ashley decides to talk to the guys, and through tears she explains that she was afraid that the guys would have wanted one of the other girls. Do guys even watch "The Bachelor?" How do they know who she is? Ashley wants the guys to stick around for the real her. We're pretty sure the "real her" is boring and whiny and slightly mental.
Captain DingDong and Ashley talk, and he tries to talk his way out of the giant hole he dug for himself. He agrees that a roast was a terrible plan. Duh. We're pretty sure that this whole thing was just a plot point in his romantic comedy life. Captain DingDong decides to leave the date. So Ashley is crying, and Captain cries "I hurt the one person I care about!" Oh Captain. Ashley is the one person who care about? You've known her for TWO episodes! She is the only thing you care about? Oh honey, you need a life.
Ashley is still feeling underconfident, but Sunshine is smiley and wants Ashley to be there. Oh Sunshine. You are wonderful.
There's a date card for Cupcake! His clue is, "There's no place like home."
Back to the date. Ashley talks to Douchehole, who Kel and I both definitely want to punch in his loser face and kick in his loser nads. Ashley comes out and tells her that she heard about him from her friend. Prepare for some more fallout later ...
But first! Ashley gives a rose to Sunshine! Yay! We are really liking Sunshine, and we love that his nickname is Sunshine! Ain't no sunshine when Sunshine's gone! But he won't be gone because he got a rose!
But then ... more drama! And it's of the Douchey Douchehole Asshat Butthead persuasion. Bentley decides not to stay. We all knew that would happen, but the problem is that he should have done it on day one. This whole things is part of his abuse. He manipulated Ashley into having strong feelings for him, and now he's going to leave. And most horrible of all, he says it's because of of his daughter, but admits in his confessional, "I miss my daughter, but I'm not really leaving for my daughter." This makes him an even worse human being, because he's trying to come across as a super nice guy. We can't imagine what his daughter will think when she's a bit older and sees this. We hope she has some good role models so that guys don't treat her like her father treats Ashley. We refuse to acknowledge Bentley any longer, and Kel says that he can "fuck off." Jen concurs.
So now Ashley is scared, which is very stupid. In Kel's words: "I'm scared this TV show of randomly chosen guys won't help me find love."
And now it's time for Cupcake's date. It's not going to be a good one, as it is after the incident with the person who is dead to us. However, we love Cupcake. He tries to make her feel better and does a good job. They eat dinner in front of the fire and then put on their pajamas. Best line of the date: As Ashley feels Cupcake's pants, she asks, "What are these?" "Pants!" Kelly says. Cupcake gets a rose, too, and they make out! Ashley also says that Cupcake is a better kisser than some other loser on this show.
Alright ... FINALLY, it's time for the Rose Ceremony. First, Chris Harrison and Ashley have a conversation in which Ashley says that she has been in love with Brad and Bentley. Ashley, dear, you have terrible taste in men. Anyway ... Ashley decides that they're not having a cocktail party, and instead they're going straight to the Rose Ceremony in the Rose Room. The Rose Ceremony room is called the Rose Room? Whoa, creative.
The guys who got roses already are Ben C. (who is still too bland for a nickname), JP (Cupcake) and Ryan (Sunshine). Then she gives roses to Constantine (Constantine), West (West), Mickey (Chef Mickey), Ben F. (Wino), Blake (Listerine), Nick (Lucas), Ames (Ames), Lucas (also too bland for a nickname) and William (Captain DingDong).
Going home are Chris, who we will not miss because we did not recognize, and Batman (Jeff). We guess beauty and love really are only skin deep. Way to have some depth to your affections, Ashley. Batman then burns his mask. Sigh. We'll miss you, Dark Knight.
Next week ... we are going to Thailand. And Ashley will kiss all the guys! And the man claws will come out! And everyone hates Sunshine! Drama! Next week!
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