Monday, June 27, 2011

The Trashelorette: Tonight's Secret Word is "Bland!"

Kelly has returned to Trashelorette blogging, so you get a team recap! Huzzah!

To recap, Ashley is hung up on Bentley, even though he is literally the worst human being to ever be on this show (at least as far as we've seen). And...really, that is all you need to know.

Also to recap, the guys who are left are Sunshine (Ryan), Cupcake (JP), Harvard (Ames), Chef Mickey (Mickey), Constantine (Constantine), Wino (Ben), Bland Lucas (Lucas), and Listerine (Blake). (We literally spent 10 minutes trying to figure out who we were missing...couldn't remember Listerine. Because he's super boring. And then when they said something about "Blake," Jen couldn't even remember that there was ever a Blake on this show.)

Tonight, they're in Hong Kong, staying in a big, gorgeous product placement. But Ashley is troubled, because she's scared she'll never get over Bentley and never find her husband on a trashy reality show. *cue furrowed brow*

She talks to Chris Harrison, who says that he's afraid that when a guy is on one knee proposing, she'll be thinking "Hmmm, what if?" So, the producers went and got Bentley and brought him to Hong Kong to talk to Ashley. Ashley doesn't want vagueness in a relationship and doesn't want to force someone to love her. So she's going to go talk to Bentley. This should go well. But first she has to contemplate, in the world's most boring scene of a show ever.

And now she's going to talk to him because Ashley still thinks there might be "something there." Ah, so cute and flirty. Oh wait, no. It is fake. This is equal parts boring and fucking frustrating because they are boring people and Douchey McFuckface is an ass.
Sample dialogue:
"I had a really really hard time"--Ashley
"Was it fun?"--Asshat
Seriously. Fuck. Off. Ashley told Bentley that him leaving was especially hard and Bentley said good because it means they were on the same page. Bentley is stuttering and told Ashley that if the show doesn't work out, she should come to see him in Salt Lake. Bentley claims that he misses her and the show. "I think you know where I'm at and where I'm coming from," Bentley says. No. she doesn't. Because you keep lying. "It doesn't look good for me and you," he says. Finally, a bit of truth sneaking in. Ashley told Bentley to be a man. Did Ashley finally stand up for herself a bit? She gives him a hard time for coming to Hong Kong to say they are over instead of just calling. And now for the awkward silence.

Now we never have to think about Bentley anymore, right? Good. Onward with the show!

(Spoiler alert: we do have to think about Bentley again. Many times.)

Personally, we're thinking that Chris Harrison will tear Bentley apart at the reunion show. We're hoping that he literally will - like, hulk out and rip him limb from limb. We'd pay to see that.

OK, the first one-on-one date is with Bland Lucas. He's from the south! Apparently Texan! We had no idea! Also, he is interchangable with Listerine and Sunshine for Kel. Jen can tell Sunshine apart, but bland Lucas and Listerine are completely interchangeable.

Anyway, Bland Lucas and Ashley go off to wander the streets of Hong Kong. They look at the lights, some people in dragon costumes dance for them and they try some new food. And they take a nap. Oh wait, that was the viewers. But wait! The date's not over! Then, they go sailing around the harbor. Awww. We kinda like how wide-eyed Lucas is about everything. He seems like a genuinely decent guy. Boring, but nice. He wants to dance with her, kiss her (for the first time) and get a rose. Kel says, "Here's the thing with Lucas...if I worked with him, I would get along with him great. But I probably wouldn't want to be friends with him. He seems nice and normal and sweet and boring. Maybe he is just nervous about being on camera."

Bland Lucas gets a rose and a kiss, which he asked before giving to her. That is adorable and awesome. Now, does he get to dance? Yes. "There's something about his manlihood that makes me feel protected," Ashley said. Lucas' nickname is now Manlihood.

The second date is the group date with Sunshine, Chef Mickey, Constantine, Wino, Ames, and Listerine. And they are dragon boat racing. I don't care what it is, that is the most exciting sounding activity ever. Constantine and Wino, Harvard and Chef Mickey and Listerine and Sunshine are the teams. Which is funny, as Constantine and Wino are the same person and Listerine and Sunshine are the same person. This is like Amazing Race shit. Talk to people, get them to do weird things. The long-haired twins are not taking the race seriously. They get red robes to wear around, and they do a chant. Unfortunately, they thought their chant was saying "eat it," but they were actually chanting "idiot" in Chinese. Harvard/Chef Mickey are taking it too seriously. Harvard/Chef Mickey beat the blond twins. Which means...nothing! Seriously, they don't even get a prize or anything. Then somebody gets engaged on the beach, but it's not Ashley so who cares?

Now it's time for the boys to try to fight for a rose. Which really sounds like the lamest thing to fight for. Ames attacks Ashley's lips in the elevator. And she seems to be ok with that. Sure. He's hot and smart. We see nothing wrong with a little bit of hot smart macking. Here is our problem with all the guys on the show...they are all boring. Like, do any of them have hobbies? Or have friends? Or do anything besides work and date?

The guys want Ashley to see Ryan for who he really is. But at least from what they've shown, Sunshine is just kind of smiley and bland. Listerine thinks he and Sunshine have fundamental differences. And apparently Ashley can't see the rest of the guys when Sunshine is around. Are they editing him weird or are the boys crazy? And Sunshine gets the rose and said "shush." Adorable (and bland). I guess they just think Sunshine is cheesy. Or something. After Sunshine gets the rose, the guys are all like "Wah-wah" (sad trombone) and Chef Mickey starts pouting. So not becoming, man.

Cupcake gets the other one-on-one date. Cupcake is adorable, but Kel finds him cheesy. Jen likes him because she can tell him apart since he has a shaved head.

And can we just take a second to analyze that these people who are discussing marriage have only known each other for a few weeks? It all just seems really fast. All the marriage talk just seems a bit creepy with how fast it is. But maybe that is just us.

If you are bored with The Trashelorette, Kel has a game you can play. It is a drinking game. Every time Ashley says "Bentley", you get to take a drink. I would say take a shot, but we don't want death. Every time Ashley says that the Bentley situation is behind her, chug. Take a shot every time someone kisses Ashley. I recommend this game for a weekend and not a Monday night. Some time when you don't have to work the next day. Bonus game, take a shot everytime we use the word "bland" to describe one of the guys in the recap.

There was more to that date, but Kel started tuning it out, because she got distracted by her drinking game. But Jen was paying attention! Basically, Cupcake and Ashley moon over each other for a while. "She makes me feel alive," JP says. "I think it's meant to be." After Cupcake admits his biggest fear is loving someone and having it pulled away, Ashley admits that she met with Bentley in Hong Kong a couple days before. Cupcake says he's glad she told him, and wants her to tell him anything on her mind. He gets a rose and they mack on the top of the product placement.

Then, it's cocktail party time, and Ashley's tits are out! But the dress is cutting into them weird. Not a great look. Kel is distracted by her rack.

And more fucking Bentley talk. Ashley is telling all the guys about the Bentley situation. All the boys look pissed! Silence! Constantine thinks that Ashley is a hypocrite. Manlihood wants to know why she didn't find her closure before and finds it weird. Listerine said that her convo with Bentley must have gone poorly since she had fallen for him. Cupcake thinks the guys are overreacting. Sunshine also thinks the boys are overreacting. Manlihood, Constantine, Chef Mickey and Listerine are the most angry. Manlihood thinks that Ashley is wasting everyone's time. Harvard seems to be analyzing it all. Listerine makes the point of that they were just told, "Bentley was my first choice, but he took off, so I'll pick someone else". Constantine claims that he is done.

Listerine cops an attitude with Ashley and he's supposed to look like a jerk, but we really get where the guys are coming from. Kelly explains, "I mean, I get that the whole show is kinda like that. Here, fall for all these guys and pick one. But I think Ashley handled the whole Asshat situation badly. Also, Ashley, way to get Listerine to change his attitude with tears. Way to be a stereotype."

Chef Mickey says he feels like Ashley lied to the guys and he is now questioning why he's here. He thinks that if Ashley is that into a guy like Bentley, she needs to send him home. Oh wait, no. Chef Mickey is just leaving. And now Chef Mickey is our hero! We like that he felt like what Ashley was looking for wasn't him and he left. Ashley is "crying", but she doesn't appear to have any tears. Manipulation? Kel says she hates when women use tears to manipulate guys, and Jen agrees. And we hate that guys are manipulated into doing things with tears.

Ashley cries and cries and tells the guys she's sorry like 700 times. Jen is pretty sure she'd get defensive and scream at them all. This is why Jen did not meet her husband on a bad reality TV show.

OK, time to talk to Chris Harrison. He willing to tell Ashley how it is. He is a good host. Ashley says she didn't know the guys were going to be mad ... and cries some more! Cry cry cry.

Kel is going to make a prediction: Ashley is going to have a final two of Cupcake and Sunshine and is going to pick one of them and then is going to not end up with either. Kel doesn't think she will ultimately end up with any of these guys.

Someone else is going home tonight, besides Chef Mickey. Sunshine, Cupcake and Manlihood already had roses. The other ones who got roses are Wino, Constantine and Harvard, which means that we're saying goodbye to Listerine. Good. Kel was getting a douche vibe off of him, except that then she felt bad for calling him a douche when he said he wanted a friend. Kel says, "I'll be his friend. Well, first I'd have to meet him and see if he is nice. Seems a bit bland, but that could be editing."

Next week ... they're off to Taiwan. And we're off to the liquor store to buy alcoholic beverages so we can try Kel's drinking game. If we don't post next week, we probably got alcohol poisoning and died.

But before we go, Kel has some advice for Ashley: "Ashley, don't date guys for a TV show. I mean, really. This whole sending people home thing. Only for TV. In real life, you don't have to send someone home everytime Chris Harrison shows up. Just, make a few friends. You're from Maine, right? Go to Bangor or Portland and make some guy friends. You will have a much more calm life. Stay off reality TV!"

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