Monday, July 18, 2011

The Trashelorette: I'm Going Home

It was hometown date night tonight on "The Bachelorette," and we got to see the real lives of the four men who are vying for Ashley's affections.

Ashley is excited to be back in the U.S., hanging in her apartment with her tiny dog, but before she can get settled in, she's jetting back off, across America to meet the families of the four lucky men vying for our Bachelorette's affections.

Wino (Ben): Ashley likes his build and his long hair. "I feel like we have a very real connection," she says.
Constantine (Constantine): "One of my favorite guys from the beginning," Ashley feels a real sweetness from Constantine, she says. He's the "total package."
Harvard (Ames): He's "unique," Ashley says, and could be the perfect person to share her life with.
Cupcake (JP): "I'm so comfortable around him," Ashley gushes. "With JP, everything is there, physically and emotionally. I just need to be sure that it's real for both of us."

First, Ashley is off to visit Constantine and his big, crazy Greek family in Cumming, Georgia. She's "excited" to visit, because their last date, with the train ride and the lantern festival, "felt right." She goes to Constantine's restaurant, which serves Italian food with American and Greek influences. Everybody rushes Constantine when he gets there, and Ashley is impressed with the love they have for him. They make pizza (which looks super tasty), and when Constantine tells Ashley to put her favorite topping on the pizza, she pushes him toward the pizza. That is the most clever thing I think Ashley's ever done on this show.

Over their lunch on the patio, Constantine tells Ashley he "loves hard and loves for real." They kiss, and everybody in the restaurant, spying through the window, squeals.

They get to Constantine's home, where Ashley squeals "Oh my gosh that's SO CUTE!" at a generic sign that says "Welcome Home Constantine" because Ashley has a very small brain. Constantine's family thinks they look happy together, but after dinner Constantine's mom has to ask Ashley the hard question - whether she sees herself as part of their family and potentially in Cumming. Ashley says she would relocate because she wants the person she wants to be happy. Dad, meanwhile, tells Constantine that if he thinks Ashley is the right girl, they have his blessing.

It seems like they're going to leave, when the cast of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" shows up in Constantine's living room! OK, actually, it's Constantine's extended family! They are loud and crazy and dance around in a circle in the living room, which Ashley seems to enjoy. Impressive! Constantine likes how Ashley jumped right in, and Ashley really enjoyed herself. "I'm so happy right now!" she gushes.

Next, Ashley's off to Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania, to visit Harvard. Harvard's family is, unsurprisingly, very country-club looking, and they have a rad big house. It's nice, but I think if it were me I'd be on the next plane back down to Cumming to dance around the living room with the nutty Greek people! Anyway, Harvard's mom is impressed that Ashley has affected him in a positive way, and his sister says Harvard has a "spark." However, she's concerned for her brother. Harvard's sister talks to Ashley, who reveals that their relationship is slower, but she sees a lot in him and likes that he's "different, but different in a good way." However, privately Ashley reveals she's missing the "spark, romance" with Harvard. Harvard's sister, meanwhile, advises him that if he feels a spark, he needs to "dig a little deeper, so she gets to see the full Ames."

So Harvard decides to get romantic by having a picnic under his favorite magnolia tree. Harvard talks about his time in boarding school and being a nerd, but he also talks about how much he's learned about life. "I feel like you and I think the same," Ashley says. "Our outlook on life is the same." Ames tells Ashley that he wants to be romantic, but believes in being romantic in everyday life. "There's so much magic in the ordinary," he said, and added that there's not always fireworks. Unfortunately, I think Ashley wants the fireworks.

Next, Ashley's off to hang out with Wino in Sonoma, California. They try some of his wine and have a picnic. Ashley says she loves his "knowledge and passion," and is excited about the big step of meeting Wino's mother and sister, who are his entire family after his father died. Ben tells Ashley that he couldn't marry a woman that his mom and sister don't approve of. He also reveals that he's only brought home one woman for his family to meet. Ashley is "shocked ... It makes me feel special, and also nervous." As well it should.

Wino's family is protective, although his sister signed him up for a show where men compete for a woman's affections so I don't know how protective she really is and how much is bullshit for TV. "Ashley seems really sweet," she says, "but I am skeptical. I want to protect him." However, after talking to him, Wino's sister feels good about how his relationship with Ashley has made him deeper. "For the first time in a really long time, I could tell he was in touch with his emotions," she says. Then, Ben talks to his mom about his dad and how he wishes he would have been a better son. Overall, Ashley sees a lot of great things in Ben and could see herself spending her life with him. But she says that about everyone.

Finally, (FINALLY, because this episode is super repetitive!), Ashley is off to Roslyn, New York, to visit Cupcake and his family. He actually plans a dorky, yet awesome, date, where they go roller skating at a delightfully crappy skating rink! "I feel like I'm back in seventh grade, and I like it!" Ashley says. They kiss and drink wine, which would be really bad for me because I can't roller skate at all. Cupcake tells Ashley that his family is really protective after his last relationship, which didn't turn out well - his heart got broken. However, Cupcake is ready to try again. "At the end of this, someone's heart is going to get broken," he says, "but unless I completely put myself out there and expose my vulnerability and allow myself to get hurt, there's no way we can work."

They go to Cupcake's family's home, and they're all super concerned that Cupcake's heart is going to get broken again. His mom says that opening himself up to love is "not very hard for JP, but by being so open you allow yourself to be vulnerable and to possibly get hurt." His mom tells Ashley she's "very guarded" because she doesn't want to see Cupcake in pain again. She says that Ashley fits into their family, but, "I am just so scared that his heart will be broken because he looks at you with love in his eyes, and I'm so nervous," she says. In the end, though, Cupcake's mom is convinced by Ashley and sees a spark in both their faces. To celebrate, she brings out an awesome huge picture of Cupcake at his bar mitzvah (where he looks like a cross between Kirk Cameron and Doogie Howser), just to embarrass him. Good job, meddling mother! Cupcake says that things just keep getting better, though he's still scared to admit that he is in love with Ashley.

Finally, Ashley is back at the Bachelorette mansion, and she and Chris reminisce about the last time she was there, when she canceled the cocktail party over Assface McDouche. She babbles about how that relationship wasn't real after all, then goes over the dates:

Constantine has "the best hometown date." Ashley said she learned a lot about him on the date.

She was the most interested to go to Harvard's hometown. She said she learned a lot and loved their stimulating conversation. (Of course, talking to a 4-year-old, or a cat, is probably stimulating for Ashley.) She says, "Ames would make the best husband."

Ben "planned such a good date," and Ashley says it was "perfect. Everything I hoped for and more." She also liked seeing his emotional, vulnerable, nervous side.

Ashley fell in love with JP's family, which she said was "open and accepting."

Ashley told Chris she had no regrets, but is sad to say goodbye to anybody, because now she's also saying goodbye to "what might have been."

At the rose ceremony, the roses go to Wino, Cupcake and Constantine, which means that poor Harvard is out. He looks like he's been punched in the head (again), and his smile is pasted-on. I'm not sure now that he completely recovered from the Thai boxing incident. He says the experience was "beautiful" and "poetic," but says he is "numb." Harvard says, "I was looking forward to sharing a lifetime of adventures with this beautiful woman, and now I'm back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with ... myself."

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