Monday, July 11, 2011

The Trashelorette: Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

It was a big week on "The Bachelorette" this week. Only four "lucky" guys get roses this week, and those four "lucky" guys get to bring Ashley home to meet their families next week! Yes, our long national nightmare is almost over ... we're to the hometown dates, which is almost the end of the season! Soon Ashley will have her husband ... who she continues to insist is IN THIS ROOM at every rose ceremony.

To recap from two weeks ago, there are six guys left ... Cupcake (JP), Sunshine (Ryan), Constantine (Constantine), Harvard (Ames), Bland Lucas (Lucas) and Wino (Ben). This week, there will be three individual dates and a three-on-one group date. There's a rose up for grabs on the orgy ... I mean group date. This week, they've traveled to Taipei, Taiwan, for their frolicking.

Ashley first enumerates what she likes about all the guys, which are not worth noting except that she says Constantine is "easy to look at." As opposed to the other five guys, who are hideous and/or too bright? (Well, that's obviously not right ... there aren't bright people on this show!) Then, Cupcake bitches for a while about how he doesn't want other guys to go on dates with Ashley because he loves her. "I'm as scared as I've been in a long, long time," he said.

The first date card is for Constantine, and says, "Let your love shine." They meet and take a romantic ride on a steam train to the tiny village of Ping-Shi, where the villagers write their wishes on lanterns during a festival and let them float into the sky. Ashley chose Constantine for a one-on-one date because, "our relationship is moving slower than all the others, but I see something there."

When they get to the "adorable little village" of Ping-Shi, Ashley temporarily loses the use of her legs so Constantine carries her on piggy back to the site of the lantern festival (Ashley exclaims, "How cute!," which is really quite obnoxious to say about an ancient festival). There, they paint their love wish on their lantern. Ashley is impressed that Constantine is taking it seriously.

Back at the boys' pad, Wino gets a date card, which says, "Let's spend a 'gorges' day together in Taiwan." I'm not sure we can assume that there will be a gorge on the date and that Ashley is not just too stupid to spell "gorgeous." Sunshine is jealous, because he wants a group date since he's never been on one.

Back on the date, Constantine tells Ashley about his family and says that she will definitely fit into his family. They discuss love, and Constantine says that the hometown date is important because it's when Ashley will see "all of him." I hope this is a veiled reference to the fact that his family is a bunch of nudists. Then, they set their lantern off into the night sky and make out. "I saw a lot of things that I love in Constantine tonight," Ashley said, calling their night a "breakthough." Though, she also said it was "one of the most romantic nights of my life," which she says at least twice an episode, so we'll take it with a grain of salt. Constantine agrees it's a romantic night and wants to take Ashley home with him to meet his wacky family of nudists.

The next day, Ashley has her date with Wino. They explore Taroko National Park on a mo-ped, sparking Ashley to squeal "Wheeeeeeeee!" in an incredibly high-pitched and annoying voice. "We're going places," Wino says. "This is a hell of a second date, kiddo." Yes, he called her "kiddo." Is it just me, or is that weird? I think it's weird. Anyway, Ashley admits that riding through the park on a mo-ped is dangerous on the curvy roads, but she says that with Wino, "I felt protected. I felt like he was the man, and I like that." Wino says that it feels natural to have Ashley's arms around him while they drove on the mo-ped together, and that it was like a fairy tale. Maybe it's just because I live in the Midwest, but the only fairy tale that I know of that includes two people on a mo-ped is "Drunk Bubba and His Cousin Bobbi Jo Go to Walmart." Anyway, they get off the mo-ped eventually and make out while standing on a bridge over a gorge. "Standing here holding Ashley feels right," Wino says, and he adds that it's the first time in a while when he really feels happy.

Back at the boys' house, the guys complain some more about how this is a scary week, and they get the group date card. On the group date are Bland Lucas, Harvard and Cupcake ... which means that Sunshine FINALLY gets a one-on-one date. "There's a whole bunch of energy running through me!" Sunshine says excitedly. Bland Lucas, meanwhile, doesn't think that Sunshine and Ashley are right for each other.

Back on the date ... Wino says his feelings for Ashley are getting stronger but he doesn't want to tell her yet. He wants to say it at the right time. They talk about wine for a while and discuss the hometown date. Wino says that the opinions of his mom and sister matter to him, but he is sure that once they see them together, everything will be fine. They kiss. Of course. Ashley says she is starting to fall in love with Wino. They make out some more. "I feel like he's my boyfriend!" she gushes.

The next morning ... Wino isn't home for breakfast! Cupcake pouts, which is not becoming, and Bland Lucas says, "I get the pleasure of going on a group date with him!" Wino finally comes in and is giggly, though he insists that they did not share a room. Cupcake says that having to share Ashley is a "mindfuck" and he says that he hopes that the date is not romantic.

So, of course, it is. They are going to take wedding pictures because, apparently, it's a big thing to take wedding pictures in Taipei. Ashley thinks that taking wedding pictures with the guys will show what it's like to be married to them. Oh, sweet simple Ashley. Wedding pictures do not equal marriage. Cupcake doesn't want to see Ashley in a wedding dress with any other guys.

Each guy gets a different "interesting" (Ashley's word) outfit. Bland Lucas, hilariously, is in traditional Taiwanese dress, which is a gold robe. Harvard gets to wear a sparkly tux, which Cupcake says makes him "look like the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John," which is quite accurate. And lucky Cupcake gets to wear a classic tux, which makes him happy. Bland Lucas correctly points out that pouty Cupcake would have "thrown a fit like a 15-year-old" if he had to wear something weird.

Bland Lucas' photos are first, and they are predictably bland.

Cupcake is pissy.

Harvard looks super happy in his photos with Ashley.

Cupcake is still pissy.

And therefore, Cupcake looks sort of pissy and uncomfortable in all of his pictures. "I don't think this is going so well," Harvard says. I knew there was a reason you got into an Ivy League school!

At the post-wedding-pictures party thing, each guy gets some time with Ashley. Bland Lucas and Ashley discuss whether it would be weird for Ashley to meet his family because Bland Lucas was married before. Bland Lucas says it wouldn't be weird, which is probably true if his family is as bland as he is. There would be no drama, but it would also be like watching paint dry. Bland Lucas is sweet, however, when he says that he wants children and misses "the simple life" (I assume he's not talking about the Paris Hilton/Nichole Richie show because he's not exciting enough to watch reality TV). Bland Lucas is sure he's getting a rose. They kiss.

Back in the guys' room, Sunshine officially gets his date invitation. "I've freakin' pumped!" he says.

Harvard shows Ashley photos of himself and his family. He reveals he wasn't popular until he was 16, and Ashley is happy because, "I love seeing where people are from." Harvard feels good about their time together and says, "my relationship with Ashley couldn't be better.

Cupcake bitches to Ashley about how coming off the high of their time in Hong Kong, where they "reached another level," he didn't like the group date. "To watch you go out with three other guys, I don't want to do it," he said. "It's been absolutely terrible ... I don't know anything that's going on. All I have is time to think about things. It makes me crazy." Ashley makes sure he hasn't been picking fights with people or anything and says she's surprised because he strikes her as being "cool as a cucumber." Cupcake responds, "It sounds great in theory, but when you feel this way about someone, that changes everything." This was the right thing to say, because it prompts Ashley to give Cupcake a rose! "I feel back on Cloud 9!" he says. Harvard is disappointed and Bland Lucas is bummed. "I'm not ready to go home yet," he said. Except, that's the point ... you want to go home! With Ashley!

Time for the date with Sunshine. Ashley says she really likes him, because he's a "positive person" with a "great outlook on life ... he makes me feel really special." Sunshine says he's "so happy to be here" and says he's going to just concentrate on having fun. They go to a temple where people are praying, and then make a wish to the matchmaking god. They have to throw two little sticks and have them land on opposite sides. They wish to "have a happy future ahead" and throw the sticks ... which land on the same side. Dun-dun-DUN! But Sunshine soldiers on with his sunny personality. They watch some people do tai-chi, and in the confessional Ashley reflects that though she likes Sunshine's "positive great outlook," she doesn't know if he's her husband.

They have a picnic in the park and start talking. Ryan asks her about, of all things, the environment and launches into a lesson about tankless water heaters. Not exactly the most romantic topic, although frankly, everyone who is deciding whether to marry someone should have some discussions about boring stuff like that because most conversations in marriages are not about how awesome it is to be on vacation in Asia, but about that awesome toilet you saw at Home Depot that can flush a bucket of golf balls. Ashley says, "Ryan's so great ... but I feel like I'm still waiting." She says she has passion with the other guys, but not with Sunshine ... but that might be because they never had a date. Sunshine says that his family will be really excited to meet him, but it's not going to help. Ashley drops the bombshell ... "In my head, you're my perfect guy ... but I don't know if I see you as my husband." She doesn't want to put him through the rose ceremony.

Well. Sunshine is sunny no more. He looks like Ashley just whipped the shit out of his puppy and then cooked it into a meal and forced him to eat it. "I'm shocked," he says. "I don't want to be alone. I want to share this life with someone." He felt like she was the one and didn't see it coming. He legitimately looks sick about this turn of events, and can't even get through his confessional without tearing up. "I want real, never-ending love with someone who I can be myself with, and she can be everything she wants to be and more ... and shares the same joy in life as I do." He also says he wants to be a great dad. Ladies and gentlemen, do you think we may have found our new Bachelor? I think he'd be a good one.

Ashley decides she needs to "keep pushing through this dark cloud" after getting rid of Sunshine, and she tells Chris she doesn't need a cocktail party ... she knows what she's going to do.

At the Rose Ceremony, Ashley thanks the guys for the great conversations, for traveling with her (who would say "no?") and for "being open to finding love." "I see my husband in this group," she adds.

Cupcake is already safe. And the other guys who get hometown dates are ... Constantine, Wino and Harvard! Which means we have to say goodbye to Bland Lucas, which means nothing to me because when I saw him tonight I literally STILL could not remember his name and had to look him up.

"No regrets," Bland Lucas said as he walked away from Ashley. "Rejection's never fun ... it was like a gut shot." He said he "built a slower connection" because he wants simple stuff, like someone to cook breakfast with. Hon, you are not going to find that on a reality show. Go on a reality show and you will find a fame whore.

To wrap up the show, Ashley sobs some more and says, "I never knew there would be this much pressure."


1 comment:

  1. This was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Let's get Ryan Parks back ... on the next Bachelor! If you really did like Ryan, and want to bring his sunny smile back ... "Like" the Ryan Park for Bachelor page on Facebook!