Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Trashelorette: Isn't It Sweeeeeeeet?

It's time for a new season of "The Trashelorette," and if you listen to every other word that comes out of Emily's mouth, it's apparently going to be just the sweetest season ever. Seriously, once she met the guys, they were all "sweet!" Can't a producer run out, hit her in the back of the head and yell "RESET!"?

Anyway, this year's Bachelorette is Emily, the sweet single mom who lost her race-car-driving fiance in a plane crash on the way to a race. Then, she lost love again after things didn't work out with Bachelor Brad - something, by the way, we completely forgot about, even though we watched the season. Give us a break, though - it's hard to keep all the lovelorn, blandly attractive white people straight, OK?

Anyway, the first episode was, as usual, full of all the 279,000 guys who compete the first night for Emily's affections. Some of them did interesting things, like the skateboarder dude who is also the CEO of a bottled water company that gives money to charity; some of them had tragic backstories, like the guy who was in an accident and had a traumatic brain injury. One was a divorced single dad, who was likeable until he uttered the line, "Who has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily? This guy!" There was even a race car driver who had been in the Indy 500.

Anyway, not that every season of "The Bachelorette" isn't totally unique, but this year is super duper unique, because they're going to be based out of Charlotte, where Emily lives, to keep her daughter's schedule as normal as possible. I mean, except all those times when they go to exotic locales, as the preview at the end of the episode shows. But, you know, normalcy for the kid whose mom is trying to find love on reality TV! Hooray!

Emily shows up at the Bachelor Mansion: Charlotte Edition wearing an incredibly ugly dress. Seriously, it looks like her daughter got bored and glued glitter to an old, beige dress. Emily's nervous - about more than just appearing on TV wearing the ugliest dress in the history of mankind - but before she knows it, Chris Harrison utters those magic words - "Let the journey begin" - and it's time to meet the menfolk.

This is where everything got "sweet." The guy who hopped around like a tool? Sweet. The guy who uttered the incredibly cheesy line, "I am a high school biology teacher, but I am here to have chemistry with you."? Sweet. The guy who dances around with a boombox? Sweet. The Prince Charming who, creepily enough, has a glass slipper that fits her? Sweet. A guy who carries an ostrich egg that he will take care of like he would take care of her? Sweet.

The guy who made the most impact was Kalon, a rich douchenozzle who came in a helicopter. Emily was suitably impressed - he did, after all, appear in a helicopter! - so, immediately, the guys feel threatened. Is he this season's villain!? The preview at the end made it sound like there was somebody who was shady!

Anyway, it's too hard to keep up with which blandly attractive guy got the first impression rose and who got to stay or go, but suffice it to say it was a very tough decision for poor Emily. And it was very tough to watch without throwing up and/or falling asleep.

The most interesting thing, actually, was the season preview, where we not only found out that little Emily Jr. is going to come with them on their trips to exotic places, but we also saw tears flowing, rain falling, Dolly Parton and LOTS of making out. Turns out, Emily is a kissing whore, just like Wino last season!

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