Monday, February 27, 2012

Trashelor Recap: Swiss Cheese & STDs

There's just one more stop on Bachelor Ben Flajnik's "incredible journey" of reality TV whoredom: Interlaken, Switzerland.

"I'm starting to fall in love with all three of them," Ben says. He rehashes why he likes each of the girls, which is the same crap as he's been saying for the last ten bazillion episodes, so I'm not going to get into it. If you don't know the stories the producers assigned them by now, you haven't been paying attention. I envy you.

"I can't imagine a more perfect place to be in love," Nicki gushes as she arrives. She and Ben take a helicopter ride through the Alps, and then the chopper pilot drops them off to have a picnic on a mountain. "I'm always blown away by Ben," she says, because he makes her feel safe. Nicki also admits that she spends her days imagining what it would be like to be married to Ben, which I can only assume includes her practicing how to sign "Nicki Flajnik" and doodling "Nicki + Ben = Love" in sparkly gel pen on her notebooks, just like I used to do with Jonathan Taylor Thomas' name when I was 13. They gaze off into the distance on top of a mountain hugging.

But wait, there's more! They go to a cabin where they have dinner and talk about how many kids Ben wants and rehash their wove ... twue wove for the seven-hundred-and-eighty-four-millionth time. Then, Ben whips out ... the key to the Fantasy Suite! This sparked the following exchange between me and Kel (who, by the way, did not watch this episode because she has no commitment to SparkleMotion):

ME:  LOL Fantasy Suite! I would be disappointed if I went to a fantasy suite and there were not hobbits or elves or something. Or dragons.

KEL:  Hahaha. Let's go to the fantasy suite! 

OMG! There is a fucking dragon in there!

And scene.

Anyway, when Nicki and Ben walk in, Nicki shrieks, "A FIRE! I HOPED THERE WOULD BE A FIRE!" at the top of her lungs. Surprisingly, this becomes a theme throughout the episode, because apparently the women on "The Bachelor" have never seen a fireplace before.

Lucky for Ben and Nicki, there's also a hot tub, where they make out. Nicki says they're "genuinely happy together" and she feels like she deserves Ben because she's in love.

The next day is Lindzi's date, which Ben prefaces by saying that Interlaken is the "extreme sports capital of Europe, maybe the world." They go rappelling down a 300-foot canyon, then, my notes say, "hike and shit with sheep." I am not sure what word I was going for, but I do not remember any shitting happening. I do, however, remember a hot tub. Did they shit in the hot tub? If they did, I blocked it out of my memory.

After their outdoorsy day, they have a fancy dinner at a fancy hotel, where Lindzi talks about how she'd rather be vulnerable and get hurt than have it end because she wasn't vulnerable. But I didn't really care what they talked about because I kept wondering if Lindzi, who was riding a horse the first time she met Ben, would ride Ben like a horse in the Fantasy Suite. Maybe she could ride him to slay the dragon that surely must reside in the Fantasy Suite! Also, Ben was wearing a dorky bowtie, which was distracting me, especially when I imagined him being ridden like a horse. My mind goes to disturbing places sometimes.

Ben invites Lindzi to the Fantasy Suite. "Normally I don't go stay the night with anyone, but ..." Lindzi says. But what!? But you're on TV, so it's OK? They make out and then close the door and ...

Next morning is time for a train ride up the mountains with Courtney so she and Ben can eat Swiss cheese and have lunch on a hillside with cows. Ben says he likes Courtney because "she wants to try new things," but also worries that she doesn't get along with any of the other girls (because she is a bitchface!). She says she "tried really hard." Tried at what? Being extra mean? Blah blah, they go back to the Fantasy Suite, where Courtney also shrieks about the fire. Ben's nether regions are probably on fire after all the Fantasy Suite sexing he's doing this week. I sure as heck hope the "Bachelor" contestants get tested, or there are going to be some weirdly mutated strain of herpes left on several different bedsheets in the Swiss Alps.

Seriously, though, raise your hand if the whole Fantasy Suite thing creeps you out.

Then, they interrupted our regularly scheduled program for a commercial for the new season of "The Bachelorette," where new Bachelorette, Emily Maynard (whose last name, I am ashamed to say, I didn't even need to look up. I hate myself.) went and saw "Titanic" in 3-D with former Bachelorettes Ashley and Ali. I think that "Titanic" is not the best movie for someone looking for love, considering how things end up for the main couple, but whatever. Watching "The Bachelorette" is kind of like watching the Titanic sink, I guess.

Now back to your regularly scheduled slutting.

Ben is falling in love with three wonderful women, but before he can stare blankly at a wall some more, Kasey (who was eliminated last week) appears at his door in a last-ditch effort to get back in his good graces. Oh, girl. Desperation is not a good look on you.

Ben rejects her again, but before she goes Kasey tells Ben, "I do love you and I do care about you ... I don't want to see you get hurt." She continues, "I feel like if you choose Courtney, you're going to be heartbroken."

WELL. Ben is so confused (I mean, more confused than normal), even after he and Chris Harrison have a little chat, and he says he's not even sure what to do at the rose ceremony.

He gives the first rose to Lindzi almost immediately, and then pauses for at least the length of time of a Kardashian marriage. But, finally ... he gives the second rose to Courtney!

Nicki cries. The end.

Next week is "The Women Cattily Stab Each Other in the Back Like the Fame-Whoring Bitches They Are" ... which I likely will not recap because I think watching it might make me want to stab myself in the temple with an ice-pick ... and then, two weeks from tonight, BEN WILL MAKE HIS FINAL DECISION! WHO WILL HE CHOOSE!? OMG THE TENSION IS PALPABLE!

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