Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Trashelor: Awwwwwwwwkward ...

First things first ... sorry about the fact that the Pop Tarts didn't recap "The Bachelor" last week. Actually, no, we're not that sorry. We were both busy and didn't feel like spending all that time watching and recapping this stupid show.

But now we're back. Or, anyway, I, Jen, am back. Kel went to bed instead of watching this week. Sometimes I doubt her commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Anywho, this week Ben 'n' the Hos went to Panama City, and Ben sees "signs of love in the air." But he was wrong ... there was drama and a heaping dose of awkward.

First up, a one-on-one date with Kacie B. "Will our love survive? Pack three things," the card reads.

Courtney, our own Jessie XX, isn't worried, though. "He might be trying to week out the people he's not sure about," she says.

The pair takes a helicopter over the city and the famed canal,  but that's not where Kacie's mind is. "He's holding my hand, I'm there with him, and that's all that matters," she gushes.

The end up getting left on a deserted island called San Blas, and Ben says he hopes they bond but admits he's afraid they'll run out of things to talk about. "It's sand and palm trees, and that is it," he says. Well, that and the camera crews capturing your every move, dear.

Kacie brought a lei or something, a corkscrew and a bag of candy. "Dessert!" Ben crows. He brought a machete, fishing net and matches. Apparently the camera crew brought wine because, before I knew it, they had glasses of wine in their hands. Anyway, they have to catch a fish and cut down coconuts and all that crap. It's more interesting when it's on "Survivor." Ben says it's a good way to find out if they'd work well together and be good partners and all that shiz. After their lunch on the island, they go back to the mainland and have dinner and talk about how Kacie likes to go to the grocery store. Zzzzz ... she better dispense with the small talk. Luckily, she does ... she then admits to Ben that she had an eating disorder when she was in high school. Her admission, and the fact that it helped her develop into a strong women, means that Ben likes her even more now. She gets a rose, and she admits she's falling in love with Ben.

The next day, it's the group date, with Emily, Nikki, Lindzi, Kasey S., Courtney and Jamie. They go boating down the Chagres River in the jungle and then ... amazingly! ... a bunch of tribal children in loincloths just happen to be out playing soccer! They stop and "stumble upon" a village. Ben and the women dress up in tribal clothing, but only Ben and Courtney really get into it - Ben wears a loincloth, and Courtney takes off her swimsuit, causing ABC to have to blur out her boobies the whole time. However, Ben really "appreciates" it.

Courtney is kind of getting the slutty bitch edit right now, but I have to say that I actually like that she is getting into the whole experience. The other girls can be as snobby as they want, but they're all on a skanktastic reality show. Courtney is going for it, and I have to say that I appreciate that.

Anyway, they get back and talk. Ben and Lindzi talk about how Lindzi is easygoing and doesn't like to fight and they kiss. (#whore) Ben tells Courtney he likes that she is assertive and confident, and she gives him her room number. Jamie, meanwhile, admits she hasn't kissed Ben yet (you're doing something wrong, girl!), so she goes and talks to him and says she's going to kiss him. While she's chattering away, Courtney hops in the pool in her bikini, and watching Ben try really hard to concentrate on Jamie instead of staring at Courtney is one of the most hilarious things in the episode. She ends up not being able to kiss him. Emily tells Ben she has another man in her life - the chief of the village they visited. She tells Ben she's sorry for trashing Courtney, and then after she's done with her appointed time with Ben, she goes back and talks to the girls. She apologizes to Courtney, who kind of goes crazy on her, saying, "We will never be friends ... I don't take being disrespected lightly." Sheesh ... just when I was starting to like her.

Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose, pissing off Courtney (she gives great stankface) ... but she still holds out hope that Ben will come visit her in her room. BUT, he doesn't. *sad trombone*

FINALLY, it's the moment I've been waiting for - two-on-one date day! When she found out about the date, Blakely was excited because it's more time with Ben, and Rachel was nervous. I was happy because two-on-one dates, where only one girl gets a rose and the other has to go home, is the second-best scenario on "The Bachelor," the best scenario being straight-up gladiatorial combat.

Blakely and Rachel are learning to salsa dance with Ben. Blakely is the more confident, sexual one, which bothers Rachel because she thinks Blakely is being "tacky." She's worried Ben doesn't see through her. Anyway, they dance badly for a while, with Blakely wrapping her leg around Ben and stuff like that, and they try to break in on each other's dances with Ben.

Then, they go to dinner, which has got to be incredibly awkward. Rachel and Ben break off to talk first. Rachel says that she's "excited to be around you again," but tells Ben she's worried that Blakely moves so fast. She says she "wholeheartedly" wants to be there and wants to stay. They kiss (#whore).

Then, Blakely and Ben talk, and Blakely suddenly admits she's "very nervous." She feels something and starts crying (but without tears!). Then she shows Ben a collage book that she made of words and phrases and photos that remind her of how she feels about Ben. Sweet? Creepy? Whatever it is, Ben is unmoved, and he gives Rachel the rose. Blakely walks out, and Ben follows her to explain. He says he "respects you too much" to bring her through when he has other relationships that are past where they are. She bawls, again with no tears, and Rachel celebrates her rose.

The next day, Chris Harrison shows up at the women's room and grabs Kasey S., who he heard is in love with somebody else. The cardinal sin of "The Bachelor!" Her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/whatever, Michael, told Chris that they were still together and were "practically living together" before she left. She explains that they broke up because he didn't want to get married, then got back together but that she broke up with him. "Maybe I should be in therapy or something," she said. Umm, yes. You all should. She wants to give up hope about getting back with Michael and she wants to get married, but she doesn't know what she feels. So, Chris makes her go talk to Ben.

Ben tells Kasey that he wishes she would have been more open and honest with him because he sent other girls home who wanted to be there. He decides that she should go home, and there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth. The girls are all shocked, giving them a chance to show the girls with their mouths hanging open like trout. Tee hee.

It's cocktail party time, then, and Chris Harrison tells the women, "This might change your conversations with Ben. I hope it does."

The only thing of note at the cocktail party is Jamie's delightful last-ditch effort to woo Ben. She straddles him and kisses him, then gets really giggly and starts talking super fast between kisses. She tells him that it's still not the way she wanted the kiss to go, so she starts instructing him on how to kiss and whose mouth should be open and whose should be closed. I can't even describe how hilariously awkward it is. Seriously, just go find a clip.

Alas, the kissing lesson didn't work, and the additional roses go to Nikki, Courtney and Emily (Kacie, Lindzi and Rachel had them already). Bye-bye, awkward Jamie. I hope you find a bad kisser who appreciates your instruction.

Next week ... drama in Belize!

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