Monday, January 16, 2012

The Trashelor: Welcome to Crazyville. Population: Ben.

Well, after a rather boring second episode, episode three of "The Bachelor" definitely wasn't boring. Apparently they were hoarding all the crazy to be unleashed this week.

This week, Wino brings the girls to San Francisco, where he lives. He meet up with Julia, his sister, who he really loves, and tells her about a few of the girls, including Horse Girl (Lindzi), whose first impression he liked; Casey or Kacie, who his mom would like; Jessie XX (Courtney), who he thinks his sister would like (but she wouldn't because she has the crazy eyes!), Smartypants (Emily), who is funny and a science nerd; and Jennifer, who he says is the best kisser.

OK, so once again there are two one-on-one dates, during which the girls must get roses or go home immediately, and a group date. Chris Harrison warns the girls that they won't all get a date, so they should try to talk to Ben as often as possible no matter what. (They take this to heart throughout the episode, to frightening effect.)

Smartypants gets the first date card, which says, "Love lifts us up." She tells the other girls that she's nervous because she doesn't like heights, but she's also "shocked" and "super excited." When she meets Wino, he tells her that he knows the city so well that he wants to see it from a view ... specifically, from the top of the Bay Bridge, which they are going to climb. "I feel like I want to die," a horrified Emily says, but Ben says it's about trust. Umm, yes, trust, and scaring the everloving shit out of your date!

Smartypants does have a panic attack partway up, because she's "petrified beyond any description," but they make it, with the other girls watching with the conveniently placed telescope in the conveniently located hotel. Convenient.

When they get to the top of the bridge, Smartypants waxes poetic about how the bridge takes two things that are separate and bring them together ... just like the relationship between her and Wino! D'aww! "If we can accomplish something like this, there's nothing we can't do!" Ben says.

After they're back on the ground ... which we don't see ... they have dinner overlooking the bridge. Smartypants tells a charming anecdote about getting matched up with her brother on a dating site, and they discuss relationships and all that crap. *yawn*

Meanwhile, there's a date card for 11 girls. I didn't catch all their names, but, really, who gives a shit? They're pretty much interchangeable. I do know that Fakely (Blakely), Clingy Stalker (Kacie) and Generic Blond No. 7 (Rachel) are on the date, but Horse Girl (Lindzi) is not. Whatevs. Ben's note says that they're going to "throw something off our leap list," which one of the girls explains is a list of things to do before your next milestone. Is that even a thing? I'm pretty sure they made it up for "The Bachelor."

Surprising nobody, Smartypants gets the rose, and they kiss under their private fireworks display that the other girls can see from their hotel rooms. Again, convenient.

OK, so, the group date. The 11 girls and Ben have an extreme date, where they pay someone to blow snow onto a hilly San Francisco street and ski down it. The girls are all in their bikinis, and to my amusement, they all fall down and run into things a lot. *snerk*

The girls who are left behind, though, are sad. They get a knock on the door, and it's a date card for Brittany! It says, "Let's unlock our love with a key to the city" and includes a key necklace. Brittany, instead of shrieking like a teakettle, is surprised and kind of confused. "Something just doesn't feel right to me," she says. Dun-dun-DUN!

So, Ben and the girls, after skiing, go to a cocktail lounge, where they all get leied (ha ha ha get it, leied?). Generic Blond No. 7 really wants the rose, so she kisses Ben. What a surprise, because, as Kel pointed out, Ben is a kissing slut. Before you know it, he's also kissing Clingy Stalker.

But before he can kiss any more girls, Brittany marches downstairs. She decides, "This isn't the right decision for Ben or myself," and she tells Ben she's leaving. Girl, your granny is going to be so disappointed in you! I bet she's going to cut off her inheritance!

Anyway, Ben says it's a "bit of a curveball," but he recovers enough to give Generic Blond No. 7 the rose.

So, yeah, now Horse Girl Lindzi gets to be the consolation prize for Wino, but she doesn't see it that way, because she starts squeaking like a demented chipmunk. They go to City Hall, where Matt Nathanson plays a private concert for them. (Kel got so excited she threw her water bottom lid. She's jealous.) Then they go to a speakeasy-themed bar and talk about their relationships, including the guy who broke up with Horse Girl over a text message. She gets the rose, and they go play the piano together. Romance!

Ah, but wait ... there's more drama to be had! As Wino and Horse Girl are dancing the night away, Bachelor Brad's ex Shawntel is wending her way to San Francisco so that Chris Harrison, that wonderful evil man, can let her burst in while Wino is talking to the Elyse at the cocktail party and declare her undying love for him. "These girls are going to hate me, but I'm willing to take that risk because he's someone I want to be with for the rest of my life." Umm, creepy, since you BARELY KNOW HIM!

If you don't remember Shawntel, she's a funeral director who, according to Elyse, "came in on her high hearse, no pun intended." Umm, Elyse, dear? I'm pretty sure you intended that pun.

Predictably, the girls explode into uber-drama, with Jessie XX claiming that "this isn't what I signed up for ... If Shawntel gets a rose, I'm out!"

Kel's favorite is when one of the girls says of Shawntel, "How can you like him? You don't know him!" As Kel said, "Welcome to 'The Bachelor.'" Seriously, ladies, that's the whole schtick of the show!

After Shawntel appears, Ben decides to end the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony ... the most dramatic rose ceremony we've seen in ages!

Smartypants, Generic Blond No. 7 and Horse Girl already have roses.

Also getting roses ...

Jessie XX, although she tells Wino she has reservations due to Shawntel coming; Clingy Stalker; Elyse; Jennifer; Kacey S.; Fakely; Monica; Nicki and Samantha.

It's down to Erica, Jaclyn and Shawntel without roses, with one rose left. But before Wino can announce his decision, Erica passes out! She can't stand ... and she can't stand the pressure! My favorite is that one of the girls blames Shawntel for Erica passing out/falling down/whatever. Crazy. Bitches.

Anyway, once Erica can stand again, Ben explains that he appreciates that Shawntel came out and put it on the line, but ...

At that point, Kel said, "I give none of you the rose. Oh, wait, no."

But that's exactly what Wino did! He didn't give anyone the last rose, sending three crushed, bawling girls home. In the words of Kel: "OH SNAP!"

There's really not much more you can say about that.

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