The big thing about Wino is that he was dumped by Ashley on "The Bachelorette" last season. But he was not just dumped ... he was decimated in what Chris Harrison rightly called "one of the most raw, emotional moments we had on 'The Bachelor.'" He was down on one knee when Ashley told him that she wasn't in love with him after all. Seriously, one of the most awkward things I've seen on TV. So, of course, the first 20 minutes of tonight's premiere talked about Wino's failed relationship and how he's become a better person because of "The Bachelorette." He went back to San Francisco and worked on his winemaking, but now he's "ready to find love" again.
We here at Pop Tarts Central just wish that "The Bachelor" were on Friday or Saturday night, because we could have gotten pretty blitzed on Kel's new drinking game, where you drink every time they mention Ashley rejecting Ben or every time someone cries.
Anyway, tonight's big point was to start getting to know the girls. It's easier said than done, since they all look like the same two people: generic blond and generic brunette. But we already have some standouts, and even a few girls with some nicknames starting.
After an incredibly long introduction where Ben kept talking about finding love and all that crap, we were ready to meet ... well, we can't really call them ladies. Ben looked terrified, and rightly so ... some of them are absolutely, bat-shit insane.
In getting-out-of-the-limo order (with extra information from segments about some of the girls from the beginning of the show) ...
- Rachel Rose, the fashion rep. Not terribly exciting, other than the fact that she's pretty. We find out later she quit her job to be on the show. Poor life choices.
- Erika, the law student. She was wearing an incredibly sparkly, skanky dress, and told Ben, "The verdict is in, and you're guilty ... of being sexy." She is guilty of being a whore.
- Amber Bacon, who we will call Sizzler because her last name is Bacon! Her dress is ugly.
- Elyse tells Ben she's going to "make you sweat a little bit."
- Jenna, who we will call either Fake Tan or Crazypants, or possibly FakeTan CrazyPants, is wearing an ugly, boxy, sparkly white dress and stands in awkward small-talk silence for most of her time with Ben. We learn in an earlier segment that she is a blogger who writes about love and panics about relationships. This will be shown later in the episode in dramatic fashion.
- Courtney, a model, is wearing super sparkly shoes when she steps out. Her nickname is Jessi XX because she looks like Jessi XX from the show "Kyle XY," according to Kel. Obscure reference? Yes.
- Emily is working on her Ph.D. in epidemiology. She's cute, but she gives Ben hand sanitizer and breath spray before they kiss. Paranoid much?
- Samantha is a pageant girl. Her hair looks nasty and matted, and she's scary.
- Casey is wearing an ugly dress and is totally forgettable. *yawn* In her segmen, we find out that she fell in love with Ben on TV, which is weird. She seems just a bit crazy.
- Amber T. appears to be boring, but then she comes back and tells him that, just in case he doesn't believe in love, he's getting a second look. Cute.
- Jamie is a maternity nurse. Jamie sounds like a pageant girl. But she seems like a good person. In a recorded segment, we find out that she's had a hard life. She shouldn't make it worse by being on TV.
- Shira, an actress, pretends that she knows about wine, but actually all she knows is that she likes to drink it. Fair enough.
- Blakeley, a VIP cocktail waitress, claims she's the only southerner, even though she's not. Also, Blakeley is a weird name.
- Sheryl is the old lady on crutches we were so worried about, but she's actually sort of awesome. Turns out, she's there because she fell madly in love with Ben the season before, and she wanted to introduce her granddaughter, Brittany. Awww! Ben says, "I love grandmas."
- Nicki, the dental hygienist, talks to Ben like he's a puppy. In a segment, we find out she got married at 21, but then when the exciting passion went away, they got divorced. Somehow, it's possible she might run into the same problem on this show, no?
- Dianna, a nonprofit director, seems like a normal, nervous girl and basically giggles like a ninny the entire time. She gets points for being a total dorkface.
- Jennifer, an accountant, is a redhead, which makes her stand out from the sea of brunettes and blondes.
- Lyndsie J. is a British girl who reads Ben a dorky poem she wrote. We kind of like her, but we're going to call her Olivare because her accent reminds us of Olivare's accent on "Project Runway" last season.
- Anna is a very quiet student. She just walks past him without talking. "That's a bold move," Ben calls after her. "Oh, that's awesome."
- Monica admits to Ben, "I miss my dog more than anything."
- Jaclyn tells Ben, "You look very dapper."
- Shawn, who works in finance, is wearing a green dress that is so not her dress. Girl, set it free. We find out in a segment that she has a son, Gavin, who is the most important thing in her life. She seems very normal. She slugs Ben on the arm on the way out.
- Kacie doesn't want him to sugarcoat things. In a recorded segment, she says she's a tomboy and likes to shoot stuff and eat beef nuts, which she helpfully explains is "cow balls."
- And, finally, we have Lindzi, a horsewoman who actually rides a horse in to meet Ben. We approve. "I'm tired of horsing around," she says in her segment. Ba-dum-ching! Ben says they "saved the best for last."
The conversations are mostly boring. Ben tells Nicki that she's "nicely bubbly." She says she's "here for a reason." Yeah, the reason? Because she's a fame whore!
It is cute that Ben has a nice conversation with Grandma Sheryl and walks her to his car. Sheryl warns Brittany that all the girls are pretty and big competition. The other girls get totally bitchy about Sheryl being there, but is that allowed? You can't be mean to a grandma!
Emily raps to Ben. Word. We loved all the medical terms she worked in.
Anyway, like we said, boring. That is, until FakeTan CrazyPants goes crazy. She is really intense about her love for Ben. Monica tells her that she's not completely in love with Ben, and she goes off on her like crazy. Monica, who we may have to call Evil Queen or Cold Hearted Bitch just sort of shrugs it off and starts hitting on Blakely instead, even telling her "You're in my life forever." Why? Not sure, but how can you argue with some light lesbianism on "The Bachelor?" Either that, or maybe Monica's just doing it to mess with FakeTan CrazyPants. If so, it's working, because she actually starts hyperventilating about being on the show. Monica was right when she crowed, "Jenna, you're crazy!" and cackled.
FakeTan CrazyPants and Cold Hearted Bitch have a talk that culminates in FakeTan CrazyPants suggesting that the two of them share a tampon. Then she starts bawling, stopping just long enough to talk to Ben. She starts telling him about how weird it is to be on the show, and how nervous the girls are. As if he doesn't know. He tells her "I get it," and she asks, "Do you really?" Ummm, yes. He was on "The Bachelorette" just last season!
After her talk with Ben, Jenna bawls some more as Ben grabs the rose and gives it to Lindzi. Good plan!
Then Jenna bawls some more, only barely pulling herself together enough to attend the rose ceremony.
Roses go to Jamie, Rachel, Blakely, Emily, Casey B, Casey S, Brittney, Erica, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elyse, Samantha, Courtney, Jackelyn, Monica, Jenna. We wish a fond farewell to, among others, Bacon and Olivare. Also some other people who didn't make an impression. Let's face it, we're just glad to see that FakeTan CrazyPants and Cold Hearted Bitch are still there to cause massive amounts of drama!
What did you think of tonight's episode of "The Bachelor?" Do you like Ben as the new Bachelor? Who are your early favorites?
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