Monday, January 9, 2012

The Trashelor: A Less Exciting Second Episode

Kel is on vacation - that bitch! - so I am doing "The Bachelor" recap on my own tonight. - Jen

After a pretty dynamite first episode of "The Bachelor," featuring crying and lots of crazypants antics from FakeTan CrazyPants Jenna, the second episode of "The Bachelor" seemed downright boring.

OK, there were a few highlights, like Ben dressing up like a sheep - more on that later - but in general, it was a bit "meh." I think it's because Ben is just so darn sweet and earnest about it. He's way too well-adjusted to be on this crappy reality show.

Anyway, the girls all went to meet Ben in his hometown of Sonoma for this week's round of prostitution dates. He wanted them to be there "so they understand a big part of my life," Ben said.

Kacie B. gets the first date card, and the girls immediately get super catty. Courtney, especially, seems to have her bitch pants on this evening, but, really, all the of the girls are pretty pissed that Kacie gets the date.

Ben takes Kacie out to show her something "extremely personal" - his town, described as "quaint" only about 10 billion times by Kacie. He says he picked Kacie because she's a southerner and being close with family is "part of their culture." For some reason, that struck me as hilarious ... not that the South, doesn't have a culture, but the earnest way he said it made me think that he was talking about some strange new culture he's never experienced, not a different region of the same country where he lives.

They went to a candy shop, where she COINCIDENTALLY finds a baton so that she can show him her mad baton-twirling skillz and teach him some of her moves. "I don't think a lot of guys would walk down the street and twirl a baton," he said. "We're having a blast." They go to dinner and talk about Ben's father, who died and we already heard all about when Ben was on "The Bachelorette" so we won't go into that here. Anyway, they talk, and talk, and talk, and then she gets the rose! After that, they go into a darkened theater, and I'm thinking, "Oooh, what product-placement movie will they be watching!? I hope it's 'The Devil Inside!' Or maybe, 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo!' Nothing like a movie featuring murder, rape and torture to get a couple in the mood!" But, alas, it's just home movies of the two of them when they were children. Is it just me, or is that creepy?

Another date card comes while Ben and Kacie are on their date for 11 of the girls. I didn't write all their names down, but would it really matter? The only girl whose name I even remember is FakeTan CrazyPants Jenna. She is on that date.

But Jenna just may get her CrazyPants title taken away by Blakely, who peevishly tells the camera, "I'm not here to go on a date with 11 girls. I'm here to go on a date with Ben." Meow! Has she never seen this show?

Anyway, the next day, the mass of ladies women show up and find out that they're going to be in a play a bunch of children put together. They audition for parts, which is kind of funny considering the extreme slutwear they were wearing. There were boobs jiggling EVERYWHERE in front of these middle school-aged children. SO delightfully inappropriate.

The kids cast the play, and almost immediately it was opening night. Ben played the Prince of Bachelorsville, and he was looking for love among all the animals? Or something? It was written by children and I didn't pay enough attention to know exactly what was going on. But when Ben turned into a sheep it was adorable.

After the play, it was a cocktail hour-type thing, and Blakely decided to go for the kill and "be herself" to try to get the rose Ben was giving out on this date. Many of the girls, especially Samantha, were freaking out about Blakely's brazen overtures, (again, have they not seen this show!?) and eventually ended up in the bathroom pouting and crying. Ben also makes out with Jennifer that night, but in the end, it's Blakely that gets the coveted rose. "Blakely is a slut!" Samantha declares. (Takes one to know one!)

Then it's time for another one-on-one date. He picks Courtney, and they go walking in a redwood forest with Ben's ADORABLE little dog, Scotch. They have a picnic and coo over the dog and take a tour of the vineyard, and then have dinner outdoors. Ben is initially worried, because Courtney tells him that she hasn't dated much, but it's just because she has trouble trusting people. This melts Ben's sweet heart, and he gives her a rose.

Courtney proceeds to tell the camera in the confessional, "All the girls better watch out, because I got a rose!" ARE BEN'S EMOTIONS JUST A GAME TO YOU, COURTNEY!? (Answer: Probably.)

Soon, it's time for the dreaded highly anticipated cocktail hour, which makes Jenna CrazyPants dissolve into a giant breakdown YET AGAIN. She babbles to Ben about how she isn't a normal girl or something (I couldn't figure out what the heck she was trying to say) and then goes and weeps in a bedroom. Meanwhile, Blakely is weeping too, over God only knows what.

Thank goodness we finally get to the rose ceremony. I didn't write down everyone's names - it went too fast - but two girls are going home, and those two girls are ...

Shawn (Random Blond No. 87) and Jenna.

Fare thee well, CrazyPants. We hardly knew the depths of your craziness.

Next week ... San Francisco! Somebody shows up at Ben's door! And sobbing! Lots of sobbing! Don't miss it, because we won't!

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