Monday, May 30, 2011

The Trashelorette: The Batman Abides

It's Monday night, which means another exciting night of "The Bachelorette: Ashley Edition." Now that we've met all 478 generic-looking white boys, Ashley can start paring them down to only the few generic-looking white boys that she might want to marry.

Tonight, I, Jen, am recapping by myself because Kel felt that going out and actually doing things was preferable to watching two hours of televised crap. I sometimes doubt her commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Anyway, there were two individual dates and a group date, with roses up for grabs at each of them. On the individual dates, if the boys didn't get roses, they had to go home IMMEDIATELY. Harsh, but that's what you have to do when you're the Bachelorette. There will be no screwing around when you're on a nationally televised search for your husband.

The first group date was with William, the walking romantic comedy. The cell phone salesman got to board a private jet to Vegas with Ashley and fly to Sin City where, sadly, there was very little sinning.

Since the boys who were left behind were bored and assy, they made fun of Batman some more. This is a major theme in this episode. Batman, meanwhile, said he is going to "stay up above and watch down below." I think that Jeff the Masked Entrepreneur is his alter ego and he actually is Bruce Wayne/Batman.

When they get in the limo to take them to the strip, William says he "feels comfortable," and it "doesn't feel like our first date." But then the get to the casino, and people start taking Ashley's picture all over the place. How does anyone even recognize her? These people must be plants because I can't believe that anybody would, firstly, recognize Ashley out of the hundreds of other generic people in the casino and, secondly, actually watch "The Bachelorette" enough to know who Ashley is and bother to take her picture when they see her. I suppose having a camera crew following you would help people at least recognize that she was SOMEBODY.

Anyway, soon Ashley whisked William away on the Most! Awkward! First! Date! Ever! First, they tasted wedding cake. Then they looked at rings. And then, I shit you not, they went to a wedding chapel in the casino (sadly, it was not A Little White Wedding Chapel, where I still regret not eloping with my husband because AWESOMELY TACKY!) and the minister started PERFORMING A WEDDING CEREMONY! What. The. Hell. Creepiest first date OF ALL TIME. William was pretty fucking scared, as he told us verbatim in his testimonial, but when the minister asked if he took Ashley to be his wife, he said "I do" anyway. "What do we do now? This could be a legally binding marriage!" Ashley said, her voice full of fear. Um. You got yourself into this, you silly bint. She doesn't say "I do." Obvs. Because the show would be two episodes long, and while that is all the longer this show should run, it is not. "The Bachelorette" can continue wrecking the sanctity of marriage in America unencumbered.

So after almost getting married, Ashley and William decide to have dinner in the middle of the lake in front of the Bellagio. They talk about how William's dad was an alcoholic, she cries, blah blah, and then. She offers him the rose. SURPRISING I KNOW. He accepts. ALSO SURPRISING I KNOW. And then they kiss, and the fountains go off and it's the BEST DATE EVER OMG YOU GUYS!

But during that date, she was already planning her group date with 12 guys. TWELVE GUYS. That is a lot of guys. She sent them a card to Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt and Ames, saying "In Sin City, boys will be boys," which had nothing at all to do with the group date as it turns out. The group takes a private jet to Vegas, where Ashley meets them in a Daisy Duke-esque getup of jeggings and a plaid button up shirt that's all tied up so her stomach shows. She said it was going to be an active date, so between that, the getup and the fact that "boys will be boys," they might be, I dunno, roping cattle or something. But no. They went to see JabbaWockeeZ, a hip-hop dance troupe. JabbaWockeeZ had an awesome dance and, suddenly, Ashley was in the dance - according to Ben F., she appeared "up through the ground, from the heavens." But then they announced that the boys had to split into two teams and choreograph a number to audition to dance with JabbaWockeeZ that night. The two teams were: The Best Men, consisting of Constantine, Stephen, Ames, Ryan M., Matt and Chris. No Rhythm Nation had Bentley, West, Ben F., Lucas, Blake and Nick.

The dances were both OK, and both teams disparaged their competitors pretty bad, but in the end, No Rhythm Nation won and got to stay in Vegas. The Best Men went back to the Bachelorette mansion, bitching all the way.

So they danced for a big bunch of people and danced pretty decently, and Ashley showed off some of her dance skillz (to her credit, she was pretty good!). Whatever. Now it's time for her to give out the rose ... BUT TO WHO!? She has a one-on-one conversation with each of the guys.

Blake, the dentist, apparently has the same personality type as Ashley because they're BOTH DENTISTS. He said it would be fine. Whatever. Blake is incredibly bland.

West, however, is interesting - he tells Ashley about his first wife, who died after nine months of marriage. Ashley is glad he tells her about it, and West says he's ready to move on. West is definitely growing on me. He seems smart - too smart to be on "The Bachelorette," actually.

Then ... it was time for Bentley, Mr. Douchey Abuser himself. He makes my skin crawl, because if he's serious and not a put-on by the producers, he is an unbelievably awful person. He talks about her "amazing butt and rockin' legs," but isn't interested in Ashley herself. "The competition makes it exciting and competing for her, but that is the extent of my interest," he said. However, Bentley is a master manipulator, and he not only convinces Ashley that he is a nice, somewhat insecure guy, but he gets her to tell him that she "feels something for him," gets him to beg him to stick around AND gets her to give her the group date rose. WHY ASHLEY WHY!?

There's another one-on-one date, in which Mickey and JP have to flip a coin to find out who gets to go. Mickey wins, which sucks because last week Mickey came across as a rapey ass while JP is hot and awesome.

Thankfully for Mickey, Ashley does not make them pretend to get married in Vegas. Instead, they flip a coin a bazillion time to figure out what they're going to do. It's cute at first, but really soon gets annoying. JUST DECIDE. They get wine from a giant wall of wine and drink it next to a giant aquarium, during which Ashley bitches about people judging her on the last season of "The Bachelor." Girlfriend, if you don't want millions of people to judge you, don't go on a trashy, cracked out reality dating show.

Back to the mansion, where the guys complain about Batman's mask some more. They must be really bored in the mansion because they JUST. KEEP. HARPING. ON IT. They must be threatened by him or something because I would just ignore the crazy dude in the mask because, seriously, who would think that Ashley would pick him. (But wait ...)

Back to Vegas. Mickey and Ashley have dinner in a hotel suite overlooking the strip. During dinner, Mickey told Ashley about his family - namely that he's a mama's boy, but his mom is dead. So Ashley flips a coin to decide whether Mickey gets the rose. BUT OF COURSE IT'S HEADS! Was there a question? And then she said she was going to give it to him anyway. They end the night dancing to Cobie Caillat on a "beach" at the Mandalay Bay and making out.

Meanwhile ... JP is frustrated because he lost the coin toss. Poor JP. Batman is also concerned, because he doesn't fit in. They both want to talk to Ashley a lot. FORESHADOWING.

FINALLY, it's time for the party before the rose ceremony, and it's raining. Everyone is nervous and tense. Ashley gets there, and JP steals her away really quickly. He flips a coin and gets to kiss Ashley, and she wanted to kiss JP. This girl kisses a lot of guys. Meanwhile, William is acting like a jerk and interrupts Nick's talk with her even though William already has a rose. That is kind of jerkish, actually. Nick calls William "Ding-dong," which is a pretty good nickname actually.

Then, Batman decides he's going to "reveal himself to Ashley." It turns out that Batman had a brain hemorrhage when he was 29, which screwed up his short-term memory. It took him a long time to recover, and then he also got divorced from someone he was with for almost 10 years. So, OK, Batman has a pretty interesting backstory. He is DEFINITELY growing on me. But just before he can take his mask off ... Matt came in and interrupted him! Bad form, Matt. YOU'LL GET YOURS.

And then there's Bentley. He would "rather swim in pee" than plan a wedding with her. But he kisses her anyway because he wants to win "The Bachelorette." What. A. Dick. They kissed, and "it started out good but then sucked toward the end." Ashley, meanwhile, was head-over-heels by the fact that Bentley picked her up without permission and was generally "romantic." She says she has a good radar for people, but she clearly doesn't. Ashley: GET. OUT. NOW.

Anyway, it was time for the rose ceremony. Ashley thinks her husband is standing in the room. That's getting old already. The men who get roses are: West (yay!), Constantine, Ryan P., Ben C., Nick, Ames, Lucas, Jeff (Batman! Yay!), JP (double yay!), Chris, Ben F. and Blake. Is it bad that I literally can't tell most of these guys apart? I can't remember who most of them are! I know JP because he has a bald head and Jeff because he is Batman, but other than that ... they are THE SAME PERSON.

Anyway, that means we have to say goodbye to Matt, the Momma's Boy who had the awesome mom who he called last week (and called again on national TV, asking her to give him love and make him French toast); Stephen, the hairstylist with bad hair; and Indistinguishable Guy #17, Ryan M. I'm pretty sure Batman pulled some strings and got Matt eliminated. Don't fuck with Batman.

Oh, and by the way, Ashley's husband is in the room. If you didn't know.

What did you think of "The Bachelorette" this week? Is Bentley a plant by the producers to stir up drama? Is Jeff a freakazoid, a neat guy with a tough life, a crime-fighter from Gotham City or all three? Can anybody else tell the guys apart?

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