Monday, May 23, 2011

The Trashelorette: The Saga Begins

So, in a moment of insanity, we decided that we should watch "The Bachelorette" and share our opinions with the world! Surprisingly, there was no alcohol involved in the making of this decision. By the end of the first episode, we wished there was alcohol involved in the watching.

The new bachelorette is Ashley, who allegedly lost on "The Bachelor," but not ending up with a dillhole like Brad Womack seems like a win to us. Kel thinks she is a touch mental, what with going on a reality TV dating show, but she seems more stable than most reality TV contestants. Ashley said that she thinks that you have to give everyone a fair chance, but we both agree that, actually, you don't. If someone is an ass, you can ditch them. However, Ashley gets bonus points for wearing a sparkly dress and flats. Yay sensible shoes!

Anyway, there are a lot of men on this show ... enough to make us both say something that she never thought she'd say: "There are too many guys!" Seriously, this show starts out with 25 men. How does Ashley remember all their names? It really doesn't help that they are all moderately tall, moderately built white guys. Some diversity would not be amiss on this show.

Anyway, the men all arrived in the limos, and despite the fact that they catcalled like a bunch of 20-year-old frat boys, it was on.

They also had packages on the first nine guys, so we have more background on them. I'm sure we'll learn more about the other guys later in the series, if we can remember who they are with their lack of distinguishing features.

The men are:
  • Ryan, 31, "wants better for the world." He works in the solar industry. He said that "the only thing stronger than the sun is love," which is an incredibly cheesy thing to say. He was pretty boring when he met Ashley. We are kind of over him.
  • JP, 34, of New York, works in construction management. He's adorable. And he brought no props or anything ... just his smile. Aww.
  • Ames, 31, works in finance. He went to Yale, 2 Masters, Doctorate, been to 70 countries. Has run 39 marathons, many ultra marathons, and is very glad to tell you all about how great he is thank you very much. However, when he meets Ashley, he gives her ballet tickets, which is sweet and thoughtful and not cheesy or creepy like some of the other guys. He's not a complete ass! Yay!
  • Ben C., 28, Lawyer, New Orleans, wants true love. He says he's a 15 or 215 on a one to ten on the romantic scale. He speaks French to Ashley when he meets her, and she understands, which really comes across as pretty sweet. He's one of our favorites after they first meet.
  • Ben F., 28, is a winemaker with fun hair! He was a happy kid with happy parents, but his dad died and then he became guarded. However, he assures the viewers he's "ready to fall in love." He likes well-rounded, cultured, successful women, and presumably long walks on the beach and reality show drama. He made a toast with wine he made, but seems charming and comfortable on TV. Ben F. is another favorite.
  • Bentley, 28, has a daughter and a cute puppy. He's divorced and owns his own business, and says he wants Emily to be the Bachelorette. He also is apparently not there for the right reason, according to a friend of his ex-wife. Ashley, of course, wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. Kelly says he's an "asshole, but perhaps I'm projecting. No, he's an asshole." Not a surprise, with a name like Bentley.
  • Anthony, 28, Italian/New Jersey, Butcher, looking for a connection, wants girl to be full of life. Anthony has never been on a blind date. He is a bit awkward, but the way he moves, he is obviously vain. However, in general, we have decided he is harmless.
  • West, 30, is a prosecutor. He's also the token sob story guy. He was married, and his wife died after having a seizure in the bath. OK, fine, it's actually a sad story, not just a sob story. When he meets Ashley, he gives her a broken compass that is stuck on west. Cute, but cheesy. Not terribly "clever," Ashley. Sigh.
  • William, 30, salesman, super adorable and goofy. He is like a walking romantic comedy. Family is big part of his life, and dad had alcohol problem and died. When he met Ashley, he was speechless and excited to see that it is Ashley, then forgot to tell her his name. He's kind of a dork, but being flabbergasted is sort of cute.
  • Jon, 26, e-commerce exec, said, almost immediately, "Can we skip everything and go straight to the honeymoon?" and then lifted her up. Rapey much? Ashley seemed to like it, though.
  • Lucas, 30, oil field equipment exec, "smells good" according to Ashley and is a hugger. That's really all we got about him. Smells good. Hugs a lot. Guess it's good that he smells good if he's going to hug you.
  • Mikey, 30, chef, has a present. From all the men in America. And that present is a kiss. Yeah. Not cool to spring that on someone."You gotta go for it," he tells the other guys. Yeah, how about no, rapey dude?
  • Tim, 35, liquor distributor, is nervous and can't talk, so he acts super awkward and asks for a hug. At last he asks. *cough*Mickey*cough*
  • Stephen, 27, is a hairstylist, and literally the only thing he says is that she has a new hair color. Also, he has bad hair, which is bad for a hairstylist.
  • Chris D., 25, sports manager, makes up a poem/semi-rap thing for her, which is "SO CUTE" according to Ashley. Everything is "SO CUTE" according to Ashley. Also, Kelly things Chris D. is a bit of a close talker, so we will monitor that situation as it develops.
  • Rob, 27, tech exec, is completely unmemorable.
  • Matt, 28, office supply salesman, is totally nervous and does a very awkward handshake thing with her. Still, he's kind of sweet.
  • Jeff, 25, entrepreneur, is wearing a mask over his eyes. He wants to "take (his) face out of the game." In the intro he comes across as super awkward, but by the end of the show we get what he's going for and we're glad Ashley isn't a bitch about it and takes him somewhat seriously.
  • Frank, 29, college admissions director, kissed her hand, twirled her and freakin' picked her up and forcibly danced with her. He is definitely not as charming as he and, inexplicably, she thinks it is. Note to people: Forcing people to dance with you is creepy.
  • Mike, 29, tech salesman is sort of vaguely funny, but he kind of comes off as awkward when he says that it's the only time he's been excited to see a dentist and if it were his dentist he'd need to be gassed up. However, Jen thinks that is a bit endearing since she would definitely say something really stupid if she were on a reality show, which is why she is not.
  • Chris, 27, is an exec. And he's Canadian. He also says they have stuff in common. Yes, they are both carbon-based life forms. We think.
  • Ryan, 27, construction estimator, brought a camera and took pictures. He came across as cute at first but by the end of meeting Ashley he already started coming across as more annoying than cute. Kind of like when your cat starts batting at your head at 3 a.m.
  • Nick, 26, personal trainer, has a poem for Ashley. It is not terrible, but it is still cheesy and lame.
  • Blake, 27, is another dentist. He is so awkward, it is painful to watch.
  • Constantine, 30, restaurant owner, brought floss and tied it on her hand. It sounds so strange, but it was cute, and he was "the cutest thing ever," Ashley said. But she said that about at least five guys.
Phew, we're not going to remember all of these guys.

Anyway, after a quick chat with Chris, she was off to meet the boys and give out one "first impression rose."

When she walks into the house, it's like they're fighting over a piece of meat. Solar Ryan grabs her first, and he talks about his solar panel business. He seems to believe in what he does, which adds some charm to his somewhat bland personality.

Matt, whose nickname is now "Momma's Boy," starts talking about the hometown date and how well Ashley would get along with him mom, which, frankly, is creepy. He has known Ashley for about 2 minutes. Then he calls his mom so Ashley can talk to her. Thankfully, Matt's mom is awesome and gives them some great motherly advice: "When the two of you decide that you are going to forgo your separate rooms and join in the fantasy suite, just remember two things. Number one, your moms are watching, and number two, don't forget to use your protection." Awkward. But hilarious. Because, frankly, you do have to remember when you're on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette that your parents and millions of other people ARE watching you. Creepy.

Some dude with a guitar hijacks a conversation between three guys and Ashley. She is "impressed with the caliber of men that are here" because her standards are apparently very low, and she's glad that one of them plays guitar. Except, he doesn't. He throws the guitar in the pool because he's an ass. Too bad we have no idea which one he is.

Now we get to meet Jeff, the mask guy. He will be called Batman because that's what the guys are calling him, although "Eyes Wide Shut" also is referenced. We appreciate the idea of attraction not just being about appearance, but the whole mask thing is weird. However, the guys, especially Tim, make a disproportionately huge deal about it. WTF?

Soon, Tim is drunk. Not only is he an ass, he's also drunk. Awesome first impression, dick. Ashley feels bad for him at first. Why? "I can identify with wasted opportunities." Oh Ashley. Then, Tim the Drunk is gunning for a fight with Batman. For some reason. Tim at least wants to, but Batman seems pretty chill. Tim then passes out. On national television. On his first night in the Bachelorette house. Ashley doesn't know what to do about passed out Tim the Drunk. Ashley tries to explain it away by him being nervous. No, Ashley, getting pass out drunk is not something you can explain away. Don't feel sorry for him, he's an idiot. Sure, most people have had a drunk incident, but don't do it on TV. You just look assy. Don't pout over him. Thankfully Ashley makes the right decision and sends Tim on his merry, drunk way home. Good riddance.

JP, the Hot Shaved Head Guy with the Good Coat seems very sweet and fun, and he really seems like a guy who is attentive to a woman. Apparently his nickname at work is Cupcake. We shall also call him Cupcake, even though he hates it. Cupcake he shall be.

And now Bentley, he needs a good nickname. He is a manipulator. He is the worst kind of asshole. He is a guy who comes off as sincere, but is manipulating the woman he is with. It is a form of abuse that should not be tolerated by anyone ever. Perhaps his name will be
Douchey Abuser, because that is what he is.

Solar Ryan gets the first impression rose, and 18 guys total stay. The special chosen boys are: Ryan, Jeff (aka Batman), Constantine, Ben F. (aka Winemaker), Lucas, Stephen, Matt (aka Mamma's boy), Nick, Chris, Ryan M, Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, William, JP (aka Cupcake), Ames and Bentley.

Going home are: Anthony, Rob, Jon, Frank, Mike, Chris, Tim.

The biggest problem so far with "The Bachelorette" is just how very hard it is to tell the guys apart. The only ones we can really tell apart are Cupcake, because he has a shaved head, and Batman, because he's wearing a mask. As we start to get to know these guys, and as more go home, things will get a little easier to recap. The other problem is just the general cheesiness. So many of the guys speak in cliches, and if Ashley keeps saying things like, "I think my husband is in this room" it is going to be hella-annoying.

But, according to the preview of the season, it seems like there will be much drama to recap! Stay tuned to the Pop Tarts to keep updated on what's happening on this wonderful piece of television trash!


  1. This is excellent! Now I can find out what's going on in the Bachelorette (with snarky comments!) without having to actually watch it. I thought I should comment something, since I read and appreciated the post :) Good work! And by the way, I love your name.

    ps: This is Susan from library school.

  2. Hi Susan! I definitely think that only reading about The Bachelorette instead of watching it is a much better way to experience it. I have done that in seasons past.