Thursday, December 8, 2011

Meow! Catty Snap Judgements of "The Bachelor" Contestants

Kel complained non-stop about blogging The Bachelorette. And then Kel complained non-stop about blogging Bachelor Pad (p.s. - Kasey and Vienna broke up, shocking exactly no one). And with the new season of The Bachelor coming up, Kel and Jen cannot wait to blog about it (and, at least in the case of Kel, complain about it!). It will be premiering on January 2 and we can guarantee that we will be there! Watching and blogging! However, January 2 is a long way off, so to tide you over until then, we are going to judge all the girls based on their picture and mini bio from Which of these lovely ladies will win Wino's "heart?" And will she callously reject him on national TV again?

Amber, 23, Delivery and Labor Nurse
Kel: Cute, very pretty hair. I'm concerned that her favorite book is "Eat Pray Love" and her worst date memory is falling down? How is that bad?
Jen: I've never read "Eat Pray Love," but the movie was incredibly lame. And Kel doesn't think falling down is bad because she falls down all the time. I'm more concerned that she's from Canada. Those Canadians are shady.

Amber, 28, Critical Care Nurse (they are like the same person!)
Kel: Super fun earrings! On desert island, she would bring flint, a knife, and beer...practical and fun. And her greatest achievement is her career. She seems far too normal to be on this show.
Jen: Two nurses named Amber! Oh dear! She's a Nebraska girl who drinks beer and loves her career. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SHOW, AMBER!? RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! YOU CAN DO BETTER!

Anna, 25, Student
Kel: Whoa poofy hair. Skydiving = cool. Best trip = Greek Islands and Ibiza = too much money and I hate you.
Jen: Another Canadian! OH MY GOSH, THEY'RE TRYING TO INVADE VIA BAD REALITY TV! I do like that she went skydiving, but it's probably just to practice invading the U.S. in case "The Bachelor" doesn't work out. Seriously, though, her hair is kind of crazy.

Blakely, 24, VIP Cocktail Waitress (What does that even mean? Is that like Playboy Club?)
Kel: She looks fake, but again with the fantastic earrings. Pet teacup Chihuahua = annoying Paris Hilton. Favorite actor being Edward Norton = maybe some taste. Being named Blakely = parents who hate you.
Jen: FAKE SMILE! I already don't trust her. She will stab a bitch in the back for fake reality-TV love. And she has a tattoo on her stomach? That just seems stupid. Also, she named her Chihuahua "Halo." This girl has no brain.

Brittney, 26, Medical Sales Rep
Kel: She looks super sweet. She will cry. Super practical in her taking of sunscreen and a flare gun to a desert island. Loves her grandparents. Football fan. I see potential, though I'm guessing she is naive.
Jen: She's a sweet as sugar pie! She will last for about 3 seconds before she starts sobbing. But, as Kelly pointed out, she's practical and likes football. I think Wino should just marry her right now.

Casey, 26, Trading Clerk
Kel: She has a touch of the crazy eyes. Favorite book is "Catcher in the Rye," which is cool. Falling in love with Holden Caulfield is weird. Best date is laughing all night, so she may have some potential.
Jen: Anybody who admits to a national audience that she peed her pants in 7th grade is either extremely confident or very stupid. I guess I should give her the benefit of the doubt ... but Kel is right, she does have the crazy eyes.

Courtney, 28, Model
Kel: Whoa crazy eyes! Did you ever watch "Kyle XY," season 2 when they had Jessie XX? And she was slightly unstable and had crazy eyes? That is Courtney. And hse is in love with love. Holy Drama, Batman!
Jen: Eek! She scares me. Courtney says that she got a puppy for Christmas, but I think she probably wanted it for ritual slaughter. She also says, "All I want is to find the right guy & love him forever." More like tie him up in the basement forever.

Dianna, 30, Nonprofit Director
Kel: Has a good job, has an autographed picture of JC Chasez, likes to camp, can't cook. I like her. She is way too normal for this show.
Jen: I don't trust anybody who loves Oprah or camping. Next!

Elyse, 24, Personal Trainer
Kel: She looks genuinely happy in her photo. She seems very fun and confident. And she grew up with a hardworking mom. Again, I like her, but she seems too normal.
Jen: She's pretty, and in a normal way! She's wearing a bit too much makeup (they all are) but she looks and seems like a normal person. Hon, I think you're on the wrong reality show.

Emily, 27, PhD Student
Kel: Seems smart, especially with her favorite book being "East of Eden." And she tries to use zumba moves on the dance floor. So, smart and dorky! I hope she makes it far!
Jen: I like that she knows that tipping a waitress like crap is wrong. She gets an automatic 10 points from me for that. She seems smart, and I am amused by the fact she was matched to her brother on a dating website. Emily, you are officially one of my favorites. (That means she will probably get out the first night.)

Erika, 23, Law Student
Kel: She has a tattoo on her lip? I assume on the inside? What is the point of that? Also, owwwww! Other than that, she seems bland.
Jen: Crazy eyes plus tattoo on her lip = RUN THE OTHER WAY, WINO! SHE WANTS TO EAT YOUR SOUUUUUUUL! Oh wait, ABC already ate your soul? Carry on.

Holly, 34, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Kel: She looks fake. And her answers make her sound fake. Not feeling her. Also, her worst date was because it was with a geek? Not ok.
Jen: I just threw up a little in my mouth. Vapid bitch.

Jaclyn, 27, Advertising Account Manager
Kel: Hello fake smile! Wants to be Gisele Bundchen, reads Jodi Picoult, wants to be whisked away to an undisclosed location, and likes to stroll the city while holding hands. Oh honey, no! Way to be bland and a stereotype.
Jen: Her face says, "Help! They're holding me here at gunpoint!" And her answers are such stereotypes, I'm pretty sure she's a hostage. Somebody save her!

Jamie, 25, Registered Nurse
Kel: Very pretty. Likes to read Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts, which I will not judge as I've never read them and I enjoy romance novels, too. She could go either way.
Jen: Pretty woman, but I can see her being forgotten in the parade of skinny white women with perfect teeth on this show. Her answers are totally forgettable.

Jenna, 27, blogger
Kel: Favorite book is the "Unbearable Lightness of Being." Likes to approach men and not wait for them to approach her. Thinks kissing in the rain is stupid. And she is wearing green earrings. Maybe my favorite so far.
Jen: She seems funny, smart and interesting. It'll never last.

Jennifer, 28, Accountant
Kel: Holy fake smile, Batman. And the crazy eyes. Favorite book is "The Notebook." Enough said.
Jen: Wait, she thinks love stories are unrealistic but likes "The Notebook?" Are you stupid? Also, she looks insane.

Kacie, 24, Administrative Assistant
Kel: Big reader = good. Has many of the same answers as everyone else, otherwise = boring. However, very pretty. Nice hair and fun earrings.
Jen: Pretty, with a real smile. But I agree with Kel, her answers are pretty much the same as everyone else. Yawn.

Lindzi, 27, Business Development Manager
Kel: Crazy eyes! And would bring a sombrero, pool float toys and her camera on a desert island. Way to be practical. Can change a tire = good. Thinks this makes her special = bad.
Jen: I agree, lots of women know how to change a tire. (Though, I don't. But I bet I could figure it out!) She seems dopey, both in her pictures and her answers.

Lyndsie, 29, Internet Entrepreneur (what the hell does that mean?)
Kel: Claims to be real, yet her hair looks uber uber fake. Other than that, I actually kind of like her. Fun answers to her questions.
Jen: A British gal! Whoa! I bet she's really Canadian, though. I tell you, they're taking over! She's wearing WAY too much makeup. I'm afraid she's actually like 87 years old under there.

Monica, 33, Dental Consultant
Kel: Her picture looks like a picture for an ID card. Why are all these girls hopeless romantics? And what does that even mean?
Jen: Lip gloss, pina coladas and the love of her life on a desert island. She'd be fish food, unless she plans to eat the love of her life. And, I agree with Kel - stop saying you're a "hopeless romantic." Lame!

Nicki, 26, Dental Hygienist
Kel: She looks perky. Seems to have normal values, but also seems like a "hopeless romantic."
Jen: "Perky" is the right word, Kel. I mean, one of her best attributes is "I'm fun!" I also love her use of the term "flirtatious eye contact."

Rachel, 27, Fashion Sales Rep
Kel: Has a nose stud. Moved to NYC without knowing anyone there = awesome. Oprah Bookclub reader = not as awesome.
Jen: I like that she seems to be confident. I mean, you have to be to move somewhere and not know anybody. Also, I'm with her with wanting to know what it's like to be a guy. Good answer! Color me intrigued.

Samantha, 26, Advertising Account Manager
Kel: Oooo earrings (I apparently have an earring thing today)! Wants Prince Charming. Barf.
Jen: She needs to stop with the princess myth thing. Hurl! And if the worst thing you've ever done is spilled a drink on your crotch, you live a charmed life. Get off my TV, immediately.

Shawn, 28, Financial Advisor
Kel: Oh my God! another "romantic". vomit.
Jen: Wanting to be a person in a third world country so you can experience how blessed you are is tacky. You suck.

Sheryl, old, none
Kel: WTF?
Jen: I hope Wino picks her, just because it would be SOMETHING different in this sea of cookie-cutter clones.

Shira, ??, Actress
Kel: Again, WTF? Pretty sure she's crazy.
Jen: I immediately distrust anybody who won't say their age, especially when they're as young as Shira apparently is. However, Baby Sebastian Ted Striker is a pretty epic name for a cat.

In conclusion, we just have to say: It's going to be hard to keep these girls all straight, because they're all skinny, pretty white girls who wear too much makeup and are hopeless romantics. Oh, and it's going to be a delightful train wreck to watch!

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