Don't worry, I haven't gone completely insane: The reason I was casting "West Side Story" was because that's one of the main plots on "Glee" this season. The school is going to put on a production of the musical, and tonight we found out that it will be directed not by Schue, who is holding Booty Camp to teach the glee club kids how to dance, but by Coach Beiste, Emma and student director Artie.
Tonight, they were auditioning for the part Tony. Well, kind of, anyway: It's going to come down to our lovebirds Kurt and Blaine. Blaine is giving off this adorably oblivious vibe that it would upset Kurt if Blaine got the role of Tony instead of him, so he auditions for the part of Bernardo, or maybe Officer Krupke. He tells Kurt he'd be happy playing any part, as long as it's opposite Kurt as Tony. But Kurt has a problem: The trio of directors aren't sure that he can believably play the romantic lead after seeing him perform "I'm The Greatest Star" from "Funny Girl," even though he swung around on scaffolding AND twirls a pair of sai around at the end. They were much more impressed by Blaine's rendition of "Something's Coming" ... which, admittedly, was pretty great. "I so want to give you a standing ovation right now," Artie says.
OK, so I think either Kurt or Blaine would be an excellent Tony. They both have the voice for the role - Tony is a high tenor - and the guy playing Tony really, really does not need to be super "manly." Beiste says, "I want a Tony that will excite my ladyparts," but part of the charm of Tony is that he's really sweet and sensitive, and that really does turn on a lot of women. Emma points that out: "If I were Maria, I would love to be held in Kurt's toothpick arms on my fire escape," she says.
Why, yes, I have given this too much thought.
But there are other plots besides casting "West Side Story," the most dramatic of which is that Shelby - Rachel's biological mother and the adoptive mother of Quinn & Puck's baby, Beth - is back! She was hired by Sugar Motta's father to start up a rival showchoir at McKinley featuring Sugar. But, of course, Shelby being at school with both her biological daughter she gave up for adoption AND the biological parents of her daughter is going to cause much drama. Rachel, predictably, has a freak out, but they sing it out during a divalicious duet of "There's A Place For Us" from "West Side Story."
Quinn is more problematic. Shelby wants to reach out to Quinn and Puck and allow them to be part of Beth's life, but not while Quinn is all screwed up. Puck comes and meets Beth (and gives her a picture of a clown pig he drew!), but Shelby won't let Quinn be a part of things until she cleans up her act. At the end of the episode, Quinn dyes her hair back to blond and puts on a boring white dress, but whispers to Puck that she wants them to get full custody of Beth back. Except, you know, depending on the state laws, she can't because she gave Beth up for adoption. Which means, legally, she has no standing to get custody, because Beth is not her child anymore! Beth is now Shelby's kid. Plus, that's a shitty thing to do to the woman who has been raising the child for a year now. I kind of hate Quinn, and now she doesn't even have awesome pink hair and punky fashion to make her slightly more interesting. But now Quinn is back in glee club. Is it bad that I hoped she kept smoking under the bleachers and throwing ketchup-covered tampons at the marching band all season?
Also, Sue's march toward Congress continues. She decides to make a campaign spot featuring Quinn yelling at Schue for how her life got so much worse after she joined the glee club. Schue actually comes back with the absolute best rant he's ever done, telling her that she's incredibly selfish and needs to grow up. I'm just glad somebody said it! Sue, of course, didn't get any of that on tape! Her spot premieres and suddenly she's in first place! Schue, Beiste and Emma decide that they're going to try to find a candidate to be the "anti-Sue." I'm intrigued!
And finally ... Kurt is running for student council, and Brittany wants to be his campaign manager because she admires Kurt for being a unicorn: Somebody who knows they're magical and isn't afraid to show it. She explains: "Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn, and then he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he's magical, and then his horn falls off, and black unicorns, they become zebras." She designs a campaign around unicorns and other fabulously over-the-top gay things. She has crazy unicorn posters, and a swag bag, called Kurt Hummel's Bulging Pink Funsack, which includes fabulous shoes, a plastic pony, a Tinky Winky doll and gay pride flags. But Kurt wants to win, and he's afraid that his crazy gay persona won't let him win. At the end of the episode, he decides that he should embrace his unicorn persona ... but Brittany decides to embrace hers, too, and run against Kurt.
After a lukewarm, catch-up premiere, this was an episode that mostly hit the right notes. I could go without the whole Shelby subplot, although I do love having Idina Menzel on the show again because she's fantastic! Plus, she is working with Sugar Motta, who is becoming my favorite character. I also loved the unicorn subplot, because I love that they gave Brittany, another of my favorite characters, in the limelight, and she and Kurt have never really gotten a chance to interact before. Plus, Brittany wore the most wonderful unicorn headpiece during this episode, and it made my whole night.
And finally, some great quotes/moments from this week:
- Brittany telling the teacher that the president is will.i.am.
- Beiste saying that she was in "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum:" "I was the forum."
- Figgans, after Sugar's dad gives him a huge check for hiring Shelby and starting a rival showchoir: "Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check. Wipe away!"
- "We're hungry. We need something to barf back up." - One of The Skanks, while stealing a kid's lunch money.
- "I realized that after smoking all day, it hurts to stand." - Quinn, after asking Sue for thrift show couches under the bleachers.
- "I don't know what to say." - Kurt. "That happens to me sometimes. My lips move but only dust comes out." - Brittany.
- "Now after a long day of snorting Splenda and cutting class, she heals the pain the only way she knows how ... smoking corn starch." - Sue, about Quinn, in her commercial.
- "That was really sexy." - Becky, after Schue yells at Quinn.
- "Turns out Napoleon? Not just a dessert. He was also a real dude." - Puck
- "He owned that song like it was his prison bitch." - Beiste, about Kurt's audition.
- "This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you." - Santana, about the posters they made for Kurt's campaign.
- "You're not like Rock Hudson gay. You're really gay. You sing like Diana Ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory." - Burt, about Kurt. (Note: He was saying it in a positive way, that Kurt is who he is and that's OK.)
- Sue calling Beiste, Will and Emma, "She-Hulk, Weepy the Vest Clown and Little Miss Golden Marmoset."
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