Trashelor Recap: Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Snore

Last night's finale may have been the "most controversial finale in 'Bachelor' history," but we agree that it was also the most boring. Part of it is that we've read in all the tabloids that Ben picks Courtney. Also, the fact that it's "controversial" means that he obviously picks the bitch nobody likes, and the bitch nobody likes is Courtney. We think he should have picked Lindzi so she can ride him like a horse.

Most of the two hour (TWO HOUR) finale showed Ben, against impressive backdrops of the Swiss Alps, agonizing about which girl will win get the honor of being his blushing bride. His mom and sister show up to help him out with making "the biggest decision of my life."

The family ends up liking both girls, although they do talk with Courtney about the allegations of her being a ginormous bitchzilla. She claims that her being a model made the other girls nervous and judgy, which feels like she's spinning history. Also, it feels like she's trying to win, rather than fall in love! UNACCEPTABLE.

Ben goes on the traditional Last Chance Dates with both girls - skiing with Lindzi, if skiing means eating fondue and drinking wine in a gondala, and a helicopter ride/picnic with Courtney. He ends up in both girls' hotel rooms at the end of their dates and they talk some more. (Sadly, no riding Ben like a horse, and, since it's not the Fantasy Suite, no dragons to slay either.) There is entirely too much talk on this show! It's doubly painful when it gets to Courtney because she talks in horrific babytalk to Ben. Also she gives him a scrapbook about their relationship. *eyeroll*

After that, it's the typical Bachelor tradition: Ben plays eenie meenie minie moe, chooses the traditional Tacky Ring of Gaudiness and takes his place on the Mountaintop of Love. Lindzi shows up wearing a dress with an over-ruffled skirt and a cape. A HOODED CAPE. She looks like a LARPer. Anyway, Ben rejects her, and she's sad, of course. Then, Courtney shows up in a black gown with black opera gloves and a white cape. Do these women realize they're in the mountains, and they look absolutely ridiculous in formalwear? Ben proposes, Courtney accepts, America screams, "YOU DUMBASS" at their TV screen, Ben gives Courtney The Final Rose and they smile. The end. A love story for the ages.

OK, maybe not ... we'll find out when Kel recaps the "After the Final Rose" special tonight!